Matty | Candy Gurus

Ramune Gummies: Flower Power Pop

Reviewed by Matty on May 15, 2013

More soda gummies but there ain't no coke in these

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Båren Company: Coffee Gummi Bears are Buzzin

Reviewed by Matty on May 8, 2013

I'm so tired. I need a gummy bear. Stat.

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Ocho Coconut Bar: When Price is No Object

Reviewed by Matty on Apr 15, 2013

Great coconut. Perfect for the rich!

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Haribo Smurfs: The American Version

Reviewed by Matty on Apr 8, 2013

When you want to eat animated characters, start here

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Jolly Rancher Sour Bunnies: Annual Gel Fest? Eh.

Reviewed by Matty on Apr 1, 2013

There was a time when Jolly Rancher was a one-trick pony – hard brick candies in watermelon, green apple, cherry,...

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Jelly Belly Sour Bunnies: It’s What’s for Easter

Reviewed by Matty on Mar 25, 2013

When the sweet people at Jelly Belly send us Gurus stuff to review, in this case, Easter Candy, I have to ask myself:...

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Baci means Kiss in Italian. Maybe should mean French Kiss.

Reviewed by Matty on Mar 18, 2013

Italians and their food. Let's let them keep making it.

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Wild Ophelia: Beef Jerky Milk Chocolate Brings Wisps of Animal

Reviewed by Matty on Feb 11, 2013

I know I know... when we think 'chocolate' we all think 'beef'. Nothing new here. Oh WAIT A MINUTE!

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Trolli Valentine Mix: Sour Gummi Candy be Dandy

Reviewed by Matty on Feb 6, 2013

Don't lie to me about what your candy tastes like. I'm not 19. It won't make me want to sleep with you more. Also, Happy Valentine's Day.

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Skinny Cow: “Divine Chocolates” that Don’t Fatten You Up

Reviewed by Matty on Jan 28, 2013

When you're fat, you diet. But you got to still eat candy. Because why make life any shittier?

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Haribo Hot Sticks: Ginger Never Tasted So Imported

Reviewed by Matty on Jan 7, 2013

Did you know Germany was name after Ginger? It grows everywhere over there. Seriously.

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It’s a Spicy New Year with Tabasco Jelly Belly’s

Reviewed by Matty on Jan 2, 2013

Tabasco on pizza is a prerequisite to eating, in most cases. Tabasco in your jelly beans is just a smidge different.

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No candy review from me this week

Reviewed by Matty on Dec 17, 2012

This week I don't have the space in my head to try and be witty, and write a nonsensical review of something as mundane as candy.

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ChunGuang Coconut Candy: Holy Jesus these are Good

Reviewed by Matty on Dec 10, 2012

if you like Werther's and you like coconut, you'll literally make love to these. Just don't do it in public; it ain't 1976.

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Cotton Candy: I like it. There. I said it. Gottanissue widat?

Reviewed by Matty on Dec 3, 2012

Cotton candy, also called candy floss, is sweet.

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Smarties Strawberry Taffy: Thanks (for not) Giving (me any in the future)

Reviewed by Matty on Nov 26, 2012

It's taffy by nature. Not strawberry by taste. Kids like it too but kids don't know sh*&.

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Brach’s Fall Flavors: Caramel Apple Candy Corn

Reviewed by Matty on Nov 12, 2012

Now when you think of candy corn, you can think of caramel apples and confuse the hell out of yourself!

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Happy Halloween! These are Terrible Coconut Candies!

Reviewed by Matty on Oct 31, 2012

Bad coconut candy may scare the hell out of you. Run!

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Choclatique: Vote for Cocoa!

Reviewed by Matty on Sep 17, 2012

When you're in the mood to elect an official and eat chocolate

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49ers Candy: Oh no, I didn’t just do that?!

Reviewed by Matty on Sep 4, 2012

Yes I did. I actually have a review almost ready to write too. But this week, my real work is going to be un-sane and...

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Yume´ Blush: Rub All Over then Eat

Reviewed by Matty on Aug 27, 2012

When you want to rub someone and then eat it off. Litrally.

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Sendfudge.com: Can it get any clearer?

Reviewed by Matty on Aug 20, 2012

How in god's name am I going to get some fudge sent here? Sendfudge.com, that's the hell how yo!

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Jelly Belly Soda: Dare I say one of the best ever?

Reviewed by Matty on Aug 4, 2012

When soda says "Hi. Drink me." I says "Sure." When Jelly Belly Gourmet Soda says "Trust me. I'm good." I says, "Open up and let's try you. Also, I think I'm going insane since soda doesn't talk."

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Kvikk Lunsj: Yeah, it’s spelled like that

Reviewed by Matty on Jul 23, 2012

Jeg elsker norske kvinner. Jeg mener sjokolade.

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Jelly Belly Factory Tour: Go. Look. Eat. Buy. Write a review.

Reviewed by Matty on Jul 16, 2012

The entire world can go to Jelly Belly and for free, see how they make the best jelly beans in the world. Are you part of the world?

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Candy Galaxy Does Good. Still, Buy the Haribo

Reviewed by Matty on Jul 9, 2012

The folks at Candy Galaxy contacted us to let us know they are now in business, and sent along a few gifts to prove it....

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Snapple Jelly Belly’s: Made from the Best Jelly Bean on Earth

Reviewed by Matty on Jul 2, 2012

The Candy Gurus don’t hold back the love for Jelly Belly. The size (small enough to eat a lot), consistency (not...

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Sour Patch Kids Berries: Sour, Sweet, and Fake!

Reviewed by Matty on Jun 25, 2012

If my kids were half as sweet after being this sour, I'd buy more of them too.

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Want Some Free Sky Bars? UPDATED AGAIN!*

Reviewed by Matty on Jun 19, 2012

*And we have our lucky give-away receivers! (See how I didn’t say “winners”? Cuz yr all winners!...

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Who’s Buying these Borrachines Mexican Candies?

Reviewed by Matty on Jun 14, 2012

And a better question – who actually likes them? You? They sure look pretty. Nice colors. Soft and tender with...

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Hard Candies from China are Just Plum Yummy

Reviewed by Matty on Jun 6, 2012

When you're plum ready for some Chinese candy.

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Green Tea Kit Kat: Japan is Wonderful

Reviewed by Matty on Jun 2, 2012

I love the Japanese and I love green tea and I love Kit Kats. Put it all together and that's a shit load of love yo.

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Cremino Bicalore: Bueno

Reviewed by Matty on May 28, 2012

When you want something sweet and hazelnutty from Mexico

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Sour Smog Balls: Surprising as Hell

Reviewed by Matty on May 13, 2012

With perhaps the worst name in candy ever? Yet peer through the haze and find a kind of sour eden.

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Peanut Butter Bars: Simply Good

Reviewed by Matty on May 11, 2012

Peanut Butter like you like it - like peanut butter

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American Halal Gummies: I’m still scared to eat these

Reviewed by Matty on Apr 30, 2012

American Halal Gummies: I'm scared to eat these. These aren't actually candies, right? Tell me they're not.

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PB&J’s: Cursing the Name of Peanut Butter

Reviewed by Matty on Apr 26, 2012

PB&J's has a name that says "simpler days", "mom loves me" and "yum". These bars though say "your stoopid", "you have no taste" and "screw you".

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Gimbal’s Sour Jelly Beans: Ready to Compete with the Jelly Belly?

Reviewed by Matty on Apr 9, 2012

Are there sour jelly beans worth buying not named "Jelly Belly"?

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Juicy Drop Taffy: Goo on a Stick! (of candy)

Reviewed by Matty on Apr 2, 2012

Sloppy goo for your blue taffy. Wonder if the 3rd World is lucky enough to get these little nuggets of corn syrup love?

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TCHO Chocolate: OK I promise to take Chocolate super serious. Now can I eat?

Reviewed by Matty on Mar 12, 2012

TCHO is So Fo Sho

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Hi Chews: Starbursts Better Sleep with One Eye Open

Reviewed by Matty on Mar 5, 2012

Like Starbursts, Mamba and Now and Laters? Say Hi Chew to Generation Next.

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Sweetriot: Attractive People Make Chocolate Not War

Reviewed by Matty on Feb 28, 2012

Say what you want about how the Man is keeping you down by making Red Dye #5-riddled aspertame products but don't blame the kids at sweetriot who are doing what they can to be green, save the world, keep you healthy and, oh yeah, make chocolate.

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Make Valentine’s Day Totally Haute with Popcorn

Reviewed by Matty on Feb 6, 2012

Popcorn like it was meant to eat

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Mexican Alcohol Candy: Hmmm. Not Sure I Get It

Reviewed by Matty on Jan 30, 2012

Get hammered on Mexican jell candy. Seriously. DO IT.

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Frutips: Stay (Black)Currant

Reviewed by Matty on Jan 10, 2012

Blackcurrant Fruit Pastilles that you can make love to. If you find them.

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Silly Seeds: Sweet Stuff & No Spitting Shells

Reviewed by Matty on Dec 28, 2011

These spitters aren't for spitting

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Tobasco Brand Spicy Chocolate: Hells Yes

Reviewed by Matty on Dec 19, 2011

Tabasco jumped into the chocolate game and put up a huge 'W' out of the gate.

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True Blue: Candy Canes for a Cause

Reviewed by Matty on Dec 12, 2011

You know we don't usually write about candy without eating it first but I thought this was a nice thing for the holiday season and wanted to give you all a heads up.

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