I’m posting this review because lately I’ve been gushing over pate de fruit. Or fruit gelee. Or fruit jellies-whatever you prefer to call them. Like a newfound crush, I’ve been grabbing these whenever and wherever I can, and generally have been loving them. I’ve reviewed some flavored with Prickly Pear, some available at Trader Joe’s, some sourced by Sugarfina-hell, we even reviewed the OG Jell, Sunkist Fruit Gems. Mostly, they ranged from very good to amazing (sorry, Sunkist). And that, dear duders, is why I must post this review of this pate de fruit. Because they’re Godawful.
That’s what the bag is supposed to look like. I’m giving you that picture, much like that of a child abductor, so if you see it out in the wild you can avoid it or alert the authorities. Here’s how my bag looks:
So far, not a problem. But once you take a gander at them, you can see that something’s….off.
They certainly don’ look horrible, but the colors aren’t exactly vibrant, and the size of the pieces are way too large. These issues though, I could easily and quickly forgive. It’s the taste. And the consistency.
I looked, but I couldn’t find any info regarding the flavors. I could pinpoint “dull lemon”, but for the sake of argument, let’s call the others:
brackish water (green)
Grammis’s Perfume Bottle (red)
“water + citrus” (orange)
There’s no ANYTHING good here. The flavors are all off in a disturbing way, making you think they’re something awful. Dull, savory, odd-weird. It’s like some awful, terrible flavor secret from Russia that wasn’t supposed to get out, until the Italians mistakenly stole it and resold it. That kind of flavor secret. Add to that an atypical consistency for this kind of candy-mealy.
The two defining qualities that make these kinds of candies excellent for me are taste and consistency. On point authentic tangy fruit flavors (usually attributed to using pectin as an ingredient), mixed with silky yet firm “jelly” consistency. This though? It’s like prison pate de fruit. Not a world I want to live in.
One last time- this review exists only to let y’all know that I’m not biased, and that I don’t laud any old fruit pate that’s thrown my way. Sure, I’ll TRY anything that’s thrown my way, but I gotsta be real. These things are filth. Stay away. For those that have been reading us since the way back, this candy definitely qualifies as a “spitter”. I spat it out, Mrs. Guru spat it out.
No link for you.