Wonka Chewy Gobstoppers: Thanks for Giving Mediocrity


Ahh Thanksgiving. Eating and sitting and drinking and talking and eating then sleeping then waking and eating and talking. Welcome to middle class American life. Sounds stunning doesn’t it?

Went out with the kids to the local little mall and of course there was an overpriced candy shoppe where I bought some Chewy Centered Wonka Gobstoppers – a box that should be 85 cents priced at $1.50. I should have taken cousin Phil’s advice and bought the chocolate covered crickets to review. But nooo…instead I bought the chewy f’ing gobstoppers because, well, I hadn’t had them before and when I texted Jonny he confirmed that we haven’t reviewed them.

And maybe we didn’t because we didn’t NEED to. These things suck. Let me clarify: these things suck – for adults. The kids loved them.

  • “They are bursting with flavor when you put them in your mouth and then get chewy inside.” – Oblivious Kid 1
  • “They are really good and the cherry ones taste like real cherries.” – Totally Wrong Kid 2
  • “It’s very flavorful. The lemon is a teeny bit sour but not so sour.” – Dumdum Kid 3
  • “You expect it be all chewy and gum but it breaks apart in your mouth and it’s all good.” – Kiss Ass Kid 4

These kids couldn’t be wronger. The flavors are nothing if not general. A little orange or cherry or green apple here and there, but with saccharine cough syrup undertones that get less flavorful as you eat. Sucking on it isn’t enjoyable, and yet I assume Wonka (Nestle) WANT us to suck since the box says they are jawbreakers that change colors and flavors. But as I suck, I’m not getting any new flavors at all. And sorry – these won’t break any jaws. They’re about as hard as an old lemonhead. And am I supposed to take the ball out and look at it occasionally, to see the new colors? Not bloody likely.

The one slightly decent thing about these is that the grape flavor is OK. The kind of grape flavor I like – sadly, the kind you likely won’t like.

Thanks for giving us crap candy, Wonka. By the way, this isn’t the first. There’s the original gobstoppers – “feh,” and these chocolate mediocrity bars, and gaggy gummies. Anyone else find it sad that the one truly fabled U.S. candy name is cranking out the worst sweets?

17 thoughts on “Wonka Chewy Gobstoppers: Thanks for Giving Mediocrity

  1. They look pretty good. I might still try them in spite of your review, Matty. If I don’t like them, I’m going to blame it on your excellent picture.

  2. I’m afraid Matty that the issue is more your age than anything. Kids just love really, really sweet things and, humph, adults don’t.

  3. Um.. I’m 35 and they’re my favorite.

    Probably because I’m a chewer and prefer the texture to the “normal” Ones.

    Not mad or anything, after all the review is just your opinion.

      1. Matty, you are a fucktard. Yes thats a real word. Chewy Gobstoppers are the best. Suck a dick since you don’t like sucking on good candy.

        1. Hm. Dicks aren’t for me although there’s nothing wrong with it. I do like the word fucktard though. Makes me giggle a little.

  4. I love these. I tried a box and the next time I went back to the store I bought 13 boxes. I’ve been going through about two 3.75 ounce boxes per day.

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