Skwinkles package

Skwinkles. Is Tasting Like Ass the Objective Here?

Salsa on candy? Really? Hey Skwinkles: I couldn't not like you less.

Reviewed by Matty

June 16, 2009


Cuz if so – BRAVO. Bra-fuckin-O.

“Skwinkles Salsaghetti – Hot watermelon flavored candy strips with Tamarin flavored sauce”

Skwinkles package

There’s just no goddamn way this is candy. It looks like crap. It tastes like shit. It comes with a packet of spicy runny jelly sauce and the only redeeming factor is that they give you almost none to eat.

Jonny and I went to Mexico last year with the fams and we had an aucey spumante time. I dig that country. Love the food. I meld with the culture. I worship the sun and the beach. So we were both a little taken aback at the dearth of good Mexican candy. Now I have a co-worker friend named Mel who insists there is good Mexican candy and god love her – bring it on. Prove it. Because I’m easy like a 10-cent whore when it comes to sweets: I’ll eat anything. These Skwinkles I assume are Mexican since there’s Spanish all over the package and we ain’t near Barcelona.

skwink-candy2webThey are exactly like the gummis we got in Mexico — no real chew, and instead all melty and soft. These also have some kind of pepper looking bits all over the gummi candy and then I guess you pour the sauce on the candy and eat it? Like it’s ketchup? On your watermelon spicy spaghetti?

Jesus these suck. I refuse to eat even one more little bite. I can barely review these. The sauce tastes like sickly sacharrine SALSA. Note to Mexico: don’t fucking put salsa on everything. Who told you that salsa is a condiment like salt or sugar? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? God. It’s pissing me off a little right now. And what’s even weirder is that I got these at Walgreen’s (local drugstore) AND the box/case of them was almost empty so I was half happy that I got a package since it seemed obvious they were popular. But hell NO – these aren’t possibly popular for anything besides angering people who like things that taste good.

These are the worst candy I’ve ever had. It’s not even close. I pushed them on my wife and she said – and I quote – “Are you fucking kidding me?” And I’m the one with the potty mouth in the family.

These aren’t just spitters – they’re pukers.

Zolli Candy


  1. Alicia

    This is one of the candies I refuse to try. As a Mexican-American, these candies are EVERYWHERE at parties- so if I had the great misfortune of getting one of these, they’d go straight to the trash. Also, I just feel like chile and candy seems like an odd combo (and sometimes, the manufacturers use a little bit too much chile).

    • Matty

      I love so many Mexican candies but I stick by my take on these no matter how many years old it is now. They are scary and weird.

  2. Abe

    Who are these guys? They aren’t experts on candy. Just two fat asses who keep a food journal and posted it on the net. They aren’t contributing to anything already established- they are trying to wedge their personalities into an industry they know nothing about outside of stuffing their faces with the products- like that makes you a ‘guru’. Your reviews suck & this one in particular probably the most. “CandyGurus. Is just being an ass about candy the objective here?”

    • Matty

      When the truth makes us cry inside, is that when we can look in the mirror and be OK with hurting another person’s feelings?

      Asking for a friend

    • Jonny

      Seriously, you think we’re fat? That’s super hurtful. We’re really sensitive about our weight. Sometimes Matty will look over an outfit I’m considering wearing to a gala or something like that and he’ll be all like “no way bro, that really makes your ass bubble” or “hey, maybe we should hit the gym for some pre-Academy Awards sit ups”.

      It’s because of our elevated status in the glamorous candy community that we take physical fitness so very seriously, Abe. But that doesn’t mean your comments aren’t without merit.
      Do you have number we can call you at?

  3. Chad Pitt

    I’ve loved these ever since the first time they hit my lips! I can’t believe your review and these comments-this is great! More skwinles for me

  4. Saffy

    This review was the BEST EVER!!! I have shown it to everyone in my house and now the neighbours. Thanks for the review

    • Matty

      well thanks Saffy. 🙂

  5. Name

    Skwinkles is owned by MARS, so is not even a Mexican product, dumbass

    • Matty

      Mars might be a US-owned company but this product is made in Mexico, making it a Mexican candy.

      I agree I’m a dumbass but this review ain’t proof of that

  6. Anonymous

    This article gave me cancer.

  7. Aaron

    Got these in the discount bin at the grocery store. I had the Cherry “flavor”. Of the four packages I bought, (just because they looked zany,) the remaining three are going to be used only in the midst of violent threats.

  8. Daniel

    Thanks god I’m Mexican!

  9. Co-worker Mel

    Yea, I agree. Gummy candies are not Mexico’s forte candy department. BUT, anything tamarindo IS. Here are some GOOD Mexican candies worth trying:
    -Pelon Pelo Rico
    -Vero Mango
    -Limon 7 (salt & lime)

    C’mon Jonny & Matty! Give Mexican candy another chance 😉

  10. Alex

    That is the same adventurous spirit that led me to believe shredded squid jerky would be delicious.

  11. Jonny

    I’ve “had” these. And like my people are want to say, :


  12. Steve


    A zero star rating.

    Tell us what you really think.

  13. greebs

    Wow. You didn’t even really focus on the horrible, godawful NAME. Skwinkles Salsaghetti? Normally, I’d expect a paragraph or seven from you railing against how idiotic that is – but that probably speaks to JUST how miserable these are. Great review.


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