Donkey Balls’ “Balls of Fire”: Heatin’ Up Yr Nuts

These things are spicy and it creeps up on you; takes awhile to get there. Maybe 5 full one-one-thousands later and then this great cayenne flavor starts to appear in the back of my throat. Serious pure heat. I likey.

Reviewed by Matty

April 16, 2010


Craig told me the woman who sold him these “Donkey Balls (I admit the name makes me chuckle) – Balls of Fire,” said that they are spicy but that it creeps up on you; takes awhile to get there. She couldn’t have been more right. It was maybe 5 full one-one-thousands later and then this crazy cayenne flavor rolls in like a fog over the back of my throat. Unfettered chocolate taste with some serious pure heat. I likey.

See how in the picture, on the ones cut in half, it’s just thick chocolate? That’s like 3/4″ thick. When I first tried these, I took a bite of one of those half-balls  and it was pretty hard. The chocolate wasn’t whippy creamy, it was dense. Dense milk chocolate is still softer than dense dark chocolate but this had some serious girth. The taste was good, a tad milkier than I like but there’s a macadamia nut in there and who doesn’t love those? And then, as I described above, the cayenne bite just coats your mouth.

So I sat down to eat another and this time I started with a whole one, which is like the size of a quail egg. Actually – maybe bigger. More like a golf ball. And I as sat there staring at this thing, I didn’t know what to do with it. Do I bite into it? (Insert boring off color joke here) But it’s hard and big. Do I shove it my mouth and look like an idiot with an over-sized jawbreaker  in his mouth? No thanks. Ok, so I tried the half shove in, scrape bite and I barely made a dent in it. Hm.

It appears these are knife-mandatory.

See, I take the pics before I eat the candy to review, yes? And of course I need to break ope the sweet so you all can see the hidden goo, nut or whatever is in there. Thus I did with these Cajun-Hawaiian dynamos, and unknowingly discovered the ‘cut-before-eat’ imperative. Trust me. Don’t go full bore into these things. Break em down a little.

Like I said, the milk chocolate is good. Smooth. That’s saying a lot coming from me cuz I’m not usually fond of milk chocolate. And then there’s that great spice of course, which my better half didn’t like at all. She would never eat these again. But I live for this kinda thing. So there.

According to Craig Extraordinaire who went to the factory — … by the by, can I have his goddamn life? Why aren’t I going to candy factories in Hawaii? … — these have very little air in them because Donkey Ballsians put on 50 coats of chocolate. Dipping and re-dipping. Thus the major volume, density and size.

Oh and Craig said the factory gave out free samples and they were cut in half too. Told ya that’s how to eat them! Man I love being right.

Wanna try these spicy big choco balls? Go here. They also vend a slew of other saucy-named chocolates.

Zolli Candy


  1. Name

    Jess and Maisie like balls
    and donkey balls…

  2. Renee

    We just got back from two wks in Kona and loved the Donkey Balls! You have to just shove the whole thing in your mouth and let it melt. You can do it, just breathe through your nose! Anyway, we’re running out and looking to order online – the links here don’t work…

    • Matty

      Hi Renee,

      Go here. Took a sec for the site to load…but once it does, yr in donkey ball heaven. So to speak.


  3. Matty

    Thanks for the link John – tres useful.

  4. John Moss

    When you run a company like Keoki’s Donkey Balls, ya just can’t ask for a better reviewer. Thank you… I am responding to comment No. 1. Donkey Balls may be found on a variety of sites, and the primary factory direct store site is

  5. Kathleen Taylor

    My husband-to-be introduced me to a fruit in Ecuador called “huevo de mulo” or mule’s balls by asking me “Have you ever sucked mule’s balls?” The relationship nearly ended right then in there.

  6. greebs

    1) Your outbound link is broken. FIX IT, I want Donkey Balls!

    2) I’m like 11 years old, apparently, because this cracks me up: “I didn’t know what to do with it. Do I bite into it? … But it’s hard and big. Do I shove it my mouth ..?”

    Yep, I’m an idiot.


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