Caffex Mallows: Caffeinated Marshmallows Tweaked Me Out

Sugar filled caffeine bombs? Power drill s'mores into your brain.

Reviewed by Matty

September 12, 2011


I got an email from Caffex asking us to try their ultra-caffeinated marshmallows which made me giggle and I of course said “sure.” I don’t know many people who eat marshmallows, but the ones I do know tend to be under 12 years old. Sugar filled caffeine bombs for children? Sounds delightful!

It’s taken me at least a month to review these. Not because I wasn’t interested or have too much other candy to review – though all that is true – but rather I wasn’t sure when to eat these. The marshmallows are advertised as equaling 2 cups of coffee, and I usually only drink one cup per day. Plus, I drink it in the morning and that isn’t usually the time I’m thinking of gulping down marshmallow candy.

So I waited for the right time to open these up and give em a go, which finally arrived on a Friday night in August when Archers of Loaf played a date on their reunion tour at the Great American in SF. (By the by – it was a fucking fantastic show.) Being a Friday night, 7pm rolled around and I was burnt. Fridays are usually my low-key pass/out night after a week of work. I don’t normally try to rev up for them, instead I save my energy for Saturday play days with my kids and possibly a potential night of relative fun. So the Archers provided a prime time to get caffeinated.

Here’s what we ate:

They look like brownies, no?

Pot brownies maybe? Not that I would know.

These things aren’t your jet puff variety marshmallow. They have a really strong, powerful and deep flavor. We (me and Matty Jr. who occasionally pens reviews) ate the “Mocca” version and it definitely tasted like a great strong cup of coffee mixed with chocolate. Look at the pictures: these things look rich, right? And they were, but not too sweet or creamy or buttery rich. Just dense and tasty. But not like a brownie either, even though they look like one. They still were airy like a marshmallow but the homemade kind. Matty Jr and I split one and I got a good buzz out of it too, which was good because I indie rocked out hard for 2 hours.

Eating half was the right amount – not just for the buzz I wanted but also because I simply don’t want to eat marshmallows. I barely like s’mores. Softy nougaty light and airy chocolate substances aren’t my thing. But if they are yours, and you aren’t pregnant or a minor (that’s the warning on the back of the package…) then slam a few of these. They got themselves some real flavor and will keep your brain wired.

Zolli Candy


  1. Josh

    Those do look like pot brownies…*achem* I would imagine

  2. greebs

    Hmm…yeah. You are right in that the texture LOOKS like a dense, rich brownie but tastes like a fluffy marshmallow. But…what you don’t include is that this completely REPULSED me. The brain didn’t like it, expected a dense brownie but instead … the texture was pretty awful. Taste was actually quite nice but I couldn’t get past it. Not for this Matt.


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