Every year I like to do a candy bash post. ok yes this is officially the first year but it’s not unprecedented. In 2008, there was “Sour Gummy Pop Corn is Seriously Freaking Me Out, Man“, which to this day both horrifies me and makes me laugh out loud. And last year I had this beauty: “Skwinkles. Is Tasting Like Ass the Objective Here?“, which could be my favorite title of anything written ever and is indeed at the crux of this very post:

Mexican candy.

sigh.

Look – it’s not a race thing. I love Mexican people. I eat their food 2-3 times a week. I learned Spanish in 3rd grade. Si, es la verdad. Not to mention I live in California; half of whatever culture exists in this state came from our neighbors down south. Plus I love visiting Mexico. Going next month. Can’t freaking wait.

But Mexican candy makes no goddamn SENSE.

From its very onset — like the poor packaging…Seriously, this candy right here was wrapped in a loose plastic wrap and the sugar crystals on the candy itself came out of the box and was all over the inside sides – so I knew when I opened it up it would get everywhere. Suggestion to candy makers: perhaps you try to create a complete experience that makes me WANT to eat your product? And how about you start by convincing me this wasn’t slapped together in your garage at home.

When Craig – my trusty candy pusher – brought these back from Oregon(?), I had to remind myself that I write for a candy site and that I couldn’t just chuck the shit right in the garbage. And I’m sorry – Oregon has Mexican candy? For who…the 12 Mexicans that hitchhiked 860 miles to live in the rain?

And wouldya believe this stuff was terrible. I’d tell you the name but I don’t want to. It’s that bad. It was like milky sweet soft bread dough but not sticky. It was like marzipan but way squishier. And there was some kind of fruity undertone which made no sense since they smelled like old milk. Just blech.

And then these?

See that? These are in a package like you you’d see candy corn, boston baked beans, butterscotch or peppermint candies in — you know, the gas station generic packaging which says “yr cheap and you should care more about the swill yr putting in your mouth.”

And do you see how many there are?

3.

3 pieces the size of a silver dollar. Really? 3? Are they sooo good that 3 is all I’m allowed to have with each precious purchase? These special confections are just tooooo hard to come by and 3 is all the factory can afford at this time??
F, U.

Oh and hey guess what? They sucked. They were like a thin, stiff, balsa wood tasting almond cookie, only harder and I spit it out so fast I have no idea if it tasted anything like almonds. And there’s some kind of white paper stuck to the back and I was sure there was no f-ing way they wanted me to EAT that. It wasn’t cleverly light and sweet rice paper…it was like the last sheet of paper in my 6th grade Mead notebook. So I tried peeling the paper off but it didn’t come off, it half stayed stuck on, and when I finally convinced my mouth to half bite into it, it was like I was eating the doily stuck to a wafer in one of those faux gourmet tins that had been crammed into the bottom of a Hoarder’s toilet the past 30 years.

If you’re the product manager of these things – seriously – no twitter campaign is going to save your job. Go ahead, social-media-market the crap out of Facebook – buena suerte – it aint gonna work.

And finally – Pulparindo!

According to the first site I found about these things, Pulparindo is “probably the most famous and certainly the tastiest Mexican candy ever. It’s made of tamarind, which is a kind of fruit. Once you’ve tasted it, you’ll hate it or love it.” Just for the record, I love Tamarind. It tastes like cola. And yet — I can’t stand Pulparindo. These taste like poop. Hot, salty, sweaty if not salsa-y poop. Candyguru better half wouldn’t even taste these things. Wanna know what these taste like? Ever heard of Skwinkles? They’re like that. Only stupider, for even thinking about copying that taste.

Boo.

Hiss.
And boooo again.