You guys know me. I don’t know me, but you know me, and you know I’m not really a chocolate guy. Matty isn’t either, that’s one of the reasons we started the Gurus-to review, celebrate, and have more of an excuse to eat sours, chews, and gummy crap. But far be it from me, if the nice people from Choclatique send me some chocolates, to refuse. I can’t. I won’t. I’m just not that way. Never have turned down free candy, never will. And so…check out this timely addition:
First off, this package was wrapped better than a spanking fresh Hanukkah gift, so that was nice. What I wasn’t prepared for when I opened the box was the crazy colors and shapes of these “moon rocks”. To say that the presentation is pleasing to the eye is like saying that eating a lot of asparagus makes your pee “smell a bit off”. It’s cool. Very cool. Odd though, you get 8 in the box, but apparently there’s 15 flavors. Here’s a few:
Lunar Lemon Caramel:
Mission Control Fig:
This time/space conundrum of seeing 8 chocolates, but also seeing a legend describing 15 different chocolates had me & Scotty Jr. Guru stumped. Sure, we had ingested 1 shot of Kaffir Lime infused Hangar One Vodka and three beers each, but that should have only helped. It didn’t. I’d look at the legend, and then try to find the one I wanted, but it wasn’t working. For the obvious colors, sure, but for the 5 or six that all looked like slightly different shades of grey/brown/purple….it wasn’t happening. Note to Choclatique: maybe put some dots on a few, a swirl, or something to discern them better?
Regardless, we finally we went for it. First up, “Tangy Orange”.
Not good. Don’t like it. But then again, I’m mos def not a fan of citrus and chocolate, I just think it produces too much bitterness. I also don’t particularly think it’s a good combination of flavors in general, unlike the Brits with their damn Cadbury & Orange obsession.
I tried to find the “Cosmic Crunch Caramel”, but mistakenly took “Lunar Lemon Caramel”. Again, either my eyesight, the legend, or my blood alcohol level let me down.
Strike 2. I couldn’t even tell it was lemon, and by the time Jr. Guru Scotty pointed it out to me, the flavor had passed. Much like the orange, just…not that good. This wasn’t looking good for the Rocks.
But then, much like when I heard the Smiths for the first time at age 15, everything changed. Again, trying for caramel, I mistakenly picked something else. This time “Solar Sesame”. Not something I would usually choose, and definitely not something I’ve had before, but WTF, right?
This one was impressive. I mean, it stopped both Scotty and I in our tracks. The toasted sesame seed flavor was outstanding, and played off the chocolate amazingly well. Truly, I was ready to punt on these things before I had this one. But after this unlikely sesame explosion of ’09, I had to keep going.
Next up was “Pluto Pomegranate Caramel”. Wow. Rich, subtle, deep, dark pomegranate flavor chased slightly by a mild, yet clear caramel taste. Bingo. Folks, for those of you not keeping score at home, we’re currently 2 for 4.
People are talking.
Cut to the next morning. Now, not only was Mrs. Jonny Guru in on the tasting, but so was Jonny Guru Jr. We’re cutting up the chocolates, giving junior some, the Mrs. some, and a little for me. Every one we tasted had thumbs up across the room, except for the “”Apollo Almond” flavor which Jonny guru Jr thought about for a moment, crinkled his brow and said “I can’t really taste anything!”. He’s 4 folks, so his palate isn’t so developed, but honestly, I was on the fence with this one too. I liked it more than him, but…he’s right, it’s not great. The Mrs. strongly disagreed, she loved it.
The last one I really dug into (as Mrs. Guru was hogging them) was the “Mission Control Fig”. No way. Not gonna happen. I don’t really like figs, even though I live within a long spit of the wine country. I don’t “get” figs. They’re bland and seedy and sweet and kinda poo-ey looking. So no.
But…yes. I had to. I had to try it. Amazingly, …I liked it. All the aspects of fig that I don’t like were gone, and all that was left was a faint essence of fig, combined with chocolate tones. Really, really nice. Again, a unique combination that not only I would have never thought of, but if you had offered it up to me, I surely would have refused. I know I’m a smart ass with a vitriolic tongue, but…I respect that.
The bottom line here is that I’m impressed. I think they nailed the unique flavors. I think the citrus flavors are weak, but that might just be my personal pref. I managed to steal a small chunk of the “Cosmic Crunch Caramel” out of my wife’s claws, and let me tell ya- friggin’ amazing. I’d buy a box of just those alone.
So I leave you today raising a shot glass full of fig to the brave men & women who fly the skies for us and occasionally land on a planet, and to these Moon Rocks. I swear, we review products honestly here, so I was prepared to rip them a new a**hole after I tasted the fist two. Amazingly though, their comeback was legendary, and (I can’t believe I’m saying this) I’d actually buy these myself. I never, EVER buy chocolate. Ever.
Anything to keep the family happy, right? Yay USA!
Buy these here: http://www.choclatique.com/.
Yum. They look good. Wish I could have tried one, alas … some day.
Okay – Ed – why did you send your chocolate to these guys and not to me??? It’s kind of like pearls before swine. They like gummies for God’s sake!
But you guys did a great job with the review. Where do you buy these rocks?
And I agree with you on some of the weird flavor combos with chocolate, so I can’t wait to try these.
Wow, Ed! Talk about writing a tome!
You should review candy, you’re funnier than us.
As to WHY we’re not chocolate lovers…I have no idea. It’s not be design. It just is.
All I can say is this- I heard you say LOUD & CLEAR that you’re developing a special “Candy Gurus” chocolate covered gummy. Awesome! Will our pictures adorn the packaging? I smell a whole new trend here…
Can I pre-order a few pounds??
How in the world can you and Matty not be fanciers of chocolate? Don’t you know that everyone loves chocolate? What’s not to love about chocolate? One of the most pleasant effects of eating chocolate is the “euphoric feeling” that you experience after indulging. Chocolate contains more than 300 known beneficial compounds. Scientists can’t explain some of the pleasurable effects of consuming chocolate, but that shouldn’t stop you from indulging
Recent medical research has linked the antioxidants found in cacao—the fruit from which chocolate is made—to decreases in blood pressure and reductions of “bad” cholesterol levels. Chocolate is a known stimulant and is also thought to be an aphrodisiac for women—nothing wrong in that. Most really great dark chocolates are low in sugar and rich in flavanols which many physicians and nutritionists say are beneficial to your health. So stack that up against your gummy things and sour whatevers.
Okay, you didn’t like our orange and lemon Moon Rocks (and I was never really fond of Tang (made especially for the space guys), but you gave us great marks on the rest of the collection even though you’re not big on chocolate (still can’t understand that). I would say you did your job well with a favorable review. Hey everybody they love us; they really love us. Oh, that’s Sally’s line.
Now for the apology… I am sorry we didn’t send you the whole collection of 15 flavors. Ms. Sabina requested and Mr. Dave sent you the abbreviated box of 8 Moon Rocks. I can understand why you may have been confused. The beautiful Sabina will serve 3 days in the stocks (if you would like to throw rotten fruit or tomatoes I can tell you where she is) while I will order Dave drawn and quartered for his indiscretions. Ought to teach them both! Right?
As the two of you, It is apparent we have to work on your chocolate habit a bit. I have asked our chocolatier to invent something that may be used as training wheels in chocolate for both you and Matty. So in the near future, when the enrober in enrobing and we are so inclined we will cover your coveted gummies and sours with chocolate. You’ve got to start somewhere.
Always remember, a day without chocolate is, well, a day without chocolate!
Those flavors sound nasty!