I’m taking a stand. Not against disgusting candy, and not against terrible candy. But against mediocre candy, and I’m looking RIGHT at you, Trolli.
Things start out on the wrong foot with American Trolli, by nature of their European counterparts being so badass. Thats correct: Trolli candies in Germany aren’t gas station candy, unlike it is here: in fact, they’re right up there with major brands like Haribo and Katjes as far as having many, many delicious interesting varieties.
So right there, you suck. How would it feel to have a brand be so great on one side of the world, and so mediocre on the other? I wouldn’t know: ask Trolli.
Pedigree isn’t everything though, and I’m a fair guy, so I like to judge on a case by case basis. My favorite Israeli Foley artist brought me a couple of bags of these last week:
I’m kind of feeling the “extreme” sloth, and contrary to what you’re probably thinking, the completely bizarre shape of the candy sloths isn’t putting me off either. Although, let’s get real: they look exactly like those monkeys in a barrel who’s arms link together that you used to get for Christmas in 1942 when you were a kid. Don’t believe me?
Again, the shapes are cool. I’m on board. One major issue here though- not only are these “gummies” bad, but they’re not even close to being unique. Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers are the exact same candy-exactly. Just a different shape. Hey, whaddaya know, so are their Sour Brite Octopus, mini crawlers, eggs, WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SOUR BRITE?
So if you love those gas station worm candies, you’re in for a treat. Everyone else, you’re gonna be disappointed. First, we have the flavor problem: as far I can tell, there aren’t any. There’s just a general sour sweetness that I can’t pinpoint. I honestly gave it the old college try, and piece by piece tried to identify the flavors. Couldn’t do it. Sometimes though, that’s the case with candies, especially the super artificial ones, and sometimes it’s passable. These are just nondescript in the worst way.
Then there’s the consistency. Gummy? No. Spongy, yes. If you think about a proper gummy, you know how that’s supposed to feel. This is something entirely different, and while it’s obviously wildly popular because gas station candy has to exist (and I buy it on the regular, I ain’t no snob), it’s terrible.
What we’re talking about here folks is this: if someone gave me a bag of these, I’d promptly give them away or toss them. I never toss candy. I love candy, I eat candy, and I can rationalize eating almost all of it. This just depresses me though.
Trolli…you’re seriously off your game. Actually, I don’t know if you have or ever had any game, or if there’s even any relation at ALL between you and the Trolli on the other side of the world with the same logo but vastly superior candies. You’re not interesting, you’re not original, and you obviously don’t give a shit about getting better, you just want to make new shapes and annoy me. I’d say we’re breaking up, but I haven’t ever been into you.
Everyone, think of a candy-any candy. Got it? Just know that candy in your head is better than this one. If you’re some sort of heathen, or glutton, or you just dig on the Trolli thing, then there’s links below, but I seriously hope those links rot and die. And we get some coin when you click those-I don’t care.
You go to hell, links! YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!