Sugar Free Lifesavers Dodge “The Suck”

If sugar free candy has to taste like Windex + copper, then I want out.

Reviewed by Jonny

May 25, 2010


Have you ever HAD sugar-free candy?  I have.  Generally speaking, it’s a ruse.  They taste like chemical crap, and (despite what some folks might think) aren’t calorie free-at all.  In fact, many sugar-free candies only have 1/3 less calories than their tubby counterparts, rendering them kind of useless.

Then there’s the taste.  To say that most of it tastes like ass is a massive understatement.  Sugar Free Jelly Bellies?  Chemical Ass.  Sugar Free Jolly Ranchers?  Putrid Chemical Ass.  I don’t try them anymore, but after I bought a selection for my German bud Susie, my interest got piqued again.  Dunno why.  Apparently in the country that makes the best candy in the world, you can’t get sugar free candy.  Does nothing make sense?

So yesterday afternoon in the grocery store, I threw a bag of sugar free Lifesavers (5 flavor variety) in my cart.  Call it a whim after Jonny Guru Jr.’s first T-Ball trophy ceremony, (Hey!  Everyone gets a trophy!  We’re ALL winners!  We couldn’t POSSIBLY expose our children to the reality that mostly, we’re losers.  We can save that realization for his 14th or 15th year, when it starts rearing it’s ugly head.  But enough about me him…) or call it intuition.  Either way, I took them home.


Realizing that they probably sucked alongside all the other sucky sugar free candy, I had almost no expectations.  And that, my friends, is when my world got rocked.  These are good-nay-these are Grrreat, Tony the Tiger style.  The 5 flavors are cherry, pineapple, orange, watermelon and raspberry.  And they taste almost identical to sugared Lifesavers.  In fact, if there IS a difference, I’d say that these all have more of a slight tart finish to them-which rocks my boat, natch.  The other difference is that these, texturally, are a bit smoother.  Nothing too noticeable, no difference in how it “chews or sucks”, just a bit smoother.

I tried the orange and was blown away.  I thought I must have gotten lucky, and that the rest of the flavors would have that familiar chemical residue taste.  Nope.  Every one was great, much to my delight. And these, moreso than most sugar candies, have real distinct fruit flavors.  There’s no doubt that you’re eating an orange candy, or cherry, or raspberry, or any of them.  Nice work, peeps.

But we haven’t got to the best part yet.  A serving size of 4 of these clocks in at a whopping 30 calories.  I ingest 30 calories by looking at a bag of chips.  30 calories is NOTHING.  But you know me-I push the envelope.  What I read into that was that I could eat 16 of them and bank only 120 calories-which is the normal caloric amount for @ 7 or 8 gummies, or 12 regular lifesavers.

The bottom line is that, unless yer scared of sucralose (it’s like contraband in my house…Mrs. Guru HATES all fake sugars, and has brainwashed (I know, I know, she’s right…) Jonny Guru Jr. to gripe whenever I bring it home.  Thanks family!), these are a win-win.  Taste great, low calories, done and doner.

While I can’t say that I’m going to keep sampling more sugar free candies, it is nice to know that there’s one that I can go to when the backfat’s got me down.

Friends, I can’t stress this enough though-these are legit.




Zolli Candy


  1. Diane

    When I tried the SF Lifesavers I immediately thought that they were better tasting than the original. Outstanding!

  2. Bob

    Not sure which take is more important here.. the candy or the trophy for participation trainwreck we’re being subjected to. Solid read as always either way, keep it up! Besides, a little backfat has appeal to some.. 🙂

  3. Susie

    Yeah! Great stuff! Thanks again, Jonny! 🙂

  4. Jonny


    people, give them a try and then shout back to us. I want to hear what you all think.

  5. Matty

    Very interesting as I, like you, are sincerely bigoted against sugar-free most anything. I guess I’ll be giving these a try now.



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