I own a Japanese car, I’ve been driving it since 1998.  Seriously.  Most home electronics in my house are made in Japan, and I’ve always wanted a guitar made in Japan, but that one’s still on my to-do list.

As far as food goes, Japanese fare is outstanding.  From seasoned grilled meats to delicious bowls of earthy ramen, to (of course) sushi, I could mow down Japanese food at least 3 times a week, easily.

But how about their candy?  That, friends, is more of a loaded question.  In my experience, it’s ALL over the map, from absolutely outstanding, all the way down to confusing and putrid.  But one thing is always constant, and that’s their sense of innovation.  Like Kit Kats?  Well, why stop at that one flavor?  There’s at least 200 varieties of Kit Kats available in Japan since 2000 (they’re not all available now, but you get my point).  How about those kits where you build candy into things that look like hamburgers, or sushi trays?

I love that they’re weird, it means they’re trying.  Sometimes though, things get TOO weird, and we end up here, with Lifeguard Paste candy.

There’s an energy drink in Japan called Lifeguard Bionic Drink.  So that’s a thing, and yes, it’s bionic.  Now we get a….paste version of the drink in candy form.

This is what’s in the bag, and if you’re like me, you’re starting to feel uneasy.  It feels thick, looks bilious, and generally speaking gives me the heebie jeebies.  In other words, I’m saying that I, for the sake of science, have to eat this:

Despite my biggest fears, …and I’m shocked that I’m saying this, ….it’s kinda tasty.  First thing to understand is that it’s not very liquid-y-it’s pretty stiff, like a super loose gummy.  For instance if you open the packet & squeeze it while holding upside down, the goo won’t spill out.  It’ll push through the opening and just stay there.  Like so:

The flavor is sort of ambiguous, but it feels light and fruity, and generally pleasant.  You’re almost fooled as you eat it into thinking it’s gummy, as it really has that quality to it in some ways.

Yet on the other hand, it’s a completely bizarre and unneccassary format for a candy.  Who would prefer this to a gummy?  Or a drink even?  I just can’t see opening this up in the middle of a bike race and somehow slamming it down.  I know that some real energy products have a similar goo-like consistency, but not like this.

NOT LIKE THIS.

Oh, also, an another front: please world, don’t name any more candies “paste”.  It’s unsettling.

Overall, I’m taking a pass on these going forward, but it’s not a hard pass-I suppose I’d eat it again in some situations, but I’m not buying it.  I’d suggest you do the same, but if it really speaks to you, click the link below and get bionic.