Gummy Bear Keg

You gotta fight-for your RIGHT! To paaaaaaartay! (with candy)

Reviewed by Jonny

May 2, 2014


I know what you’re thinking.


It’s been a long time since you’ve thrown a party-so let’s do this.  Am I right?  And forget throwing another one of those shitty parties you’ve always thrown before (let’s just be honest with each other), sporting half a bottle of Fireball “booze” and a pony keg of Pabst.  The train left the station on Pabst- 30 years ago, then again 5 years ago.  Let it go.


Nope.  This time, I’m thinking you shock the world, and get a different kind of keg.  One that’s better, one that people will actually enjoy more, and one that is immeasurably cheaper.  Ok, it’s not immeasurable, but I’m not taking the time to do the math.  Ladies & Gents, you’ve been waiting for it, and now has delivered : A keg of gummy bears.



Now, for a moment, I want to draw attention away from the cool packaging and towards the “catchy” slogan at the bottom of the keg: “The leading cause of embearassment since 1922”.  Huh?  Aren’t we trying to own this proudly?  I would have gone with any of these:

“You can bearly put them down!”

“This’ll bearly get you through the weekend, fatass!”

“It’s like the Unbearable Lightness of Being (too heavy from so much candy)”

The bears so awesome you’ll lose your bearings!”

“The bears that are embearassingly good!”


I’m not saying mine are gold, I’m just saying I don’t get what the hell they’re trying to convey.  However, the proof is in the pudding, so check out what 5 pounds of gummy bears looks like:


Can you tell what brand they are?  Jonny Jr. and I reviewed these a ways back – they’re Albanese 12 flavor” bears.  They claim to be the best Gummy Bears in the world but you, faithful readers, know that’s not true.

However…I have no problem saying that they’re the second best, right after Haribo.  Their flavors are wonderful, and I love the fact that there’s 12 different ones.  In fact, the only issue I had with these is the consistency – way too soft for my liking.  However, I know a LOT of people that feel that Haribo’s are too tough, so…clearly these have a space.  More on the softness later.


When I first opened this, after I stopped laughing, I kept asking Mrs. Guru what in God’s name one would do with 5 pounds of Gummy Bears.  Then, hours later, some friends came over to prepare eggs for an Easter egg hunt.  There went one pound.  And then it made sense – this is an awesome party “munchie”.  They’re so damn beautiful, they pretty up any room they’re in.  And everyone can lie all they want, but they all like candy.  Everyone I shared these specific Gummy Bears with liked them, so it’s clear they’re a winner.


Yes, it’s a novelty, and yes, it’s a super dumb slogan on the keg, but darn it, they’re great tasting and a keg of candy actually CAN come in handy. Click the link below and keg up, son.


Now, on the consistency issue: I decided to conduct an experiment.  I’m letting the remainder of the bears air out, or as we call it in Guru land, I’m “aging” them.  My goal?  One year.  If the ants don’t get them, I’ll be back with a follow up, because there actually is a decent chance, once super stiff and painful to eat, that these could legitimately rival Haribo.  For now though?  A solid #2.


Zolli Candy


  1. Rose

    What did you think of the aged gummy bears? The Albanese are a favorite in my office.

    • Jonny

      They were amazing. Tough as hell and still as tasty as they come!


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