Any decent candy reviewer has a candy stash-the size of said stash is unimportant-but the content is crucial.  In my little tupperware box of heaven lie treats from around the world awaiting review.  Since I have the coolest friend ever in Germany, a lot of my stuff is from there-and it doesn’t hurt that Germany is a boss when it comes to candy making.  This bag of gummy pretzels was basically  my #1 seed for weeks.  Sitting there, teasing me, promising me bounties of joy once I opened the bag.

Look at them!  Even through the bag, you can the the sour coating, you can imagine the ultra tough consistency and eye-popping flavors.  There’s a lot of promise in there.

Finally, I had to bust them out, which is always a sad thing, losing a top contender from the stash.  But I shed a tear, poured one out for lost dreams, and ripped the bag open.

Time to sample!

…And………hm.  Whoah.  These……aren’t good.  WHAT…IS…GOING….ON???!??!  Up is down.  Left is right.  I’m re-evaluating everything,

Dense, chewy, sour, intense?  No.  How about soft, not sour whatsoever, and almost indiscernible flavors.  How does that sound?

Man, oh man.  I guess I was just assuming that coming from Germany, these would have to be at least good, with the promise of being great.  Not true in this instance.  And I’m not exaggerating-these just felt like a waste of calories without any payback.  Not worth it.

There’s a lesson here, kids, and it’s simple.  Never, EVER eat pretzels.  Got it?