We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

Simply Lite Dark Chocolate: No Shuggy Go Potty

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UPDATED 2/28/10

Have you noticed that chocolate bars are the new POS rage? For those not up on their retail, “POS” stands for point of sale and many of us in the industry generally refer to the enticing goods on your way out of the supermarket as POS items.

Actually, I’m not in retail but still if I was I’m sure I’d use that term. Either way, every up and comer (i.e. Trader Joe’s) has 586 different chocolate bars for you to buy at $1.89 as you head out the door. The bars all have to look fancy and if they don’t put the caCAO (say cuh-COW) percentage on the package, then seriously? They’ve lost the race already. Billy Blow’s Special Chocolate Boomerang has 63% cacao so Susie’s Sumptuous Choco Sensation sure as shit better have at LEAST 58% of it. This ain’t the minors. This is The Show and you best be bringing the cacAO heat.

Oh and if you aren’t showing at least 3/4 of the bars as dark chocolate on your POS racks then pack your shit up. Sorry milk choco – but the darks got you beat. Milk chocolate is like what the 80’s were back in the 90’s when we went all grunge and wouldn’t be caught dead in pegged jeans. And the Darks now are like Star Wars: we knew it was good in 1977 though the script was awful, it’s now been around forever and even the newest little kids know that the Ewoks are fighting the good fight.

FYI no one over 25 would be caught dead eating milk chocolate. If you have a Hershey Milk Chocolate bar with Almonds in your hands walking down the street? Seriously? To laugh.

CG followers don’t need me to tell them how I feel about chocolate so this new disturbance in the super market force is driving me a little batty. — Yet! Instead of just bitching as I am wont to do, I’m going the other direction baby! I’m buyin’ and tryin’ yeah!

And here’s the first of the bunch: Simply Lite Dark Chocolate. It only has 50% cacAO, which I think means…well I don’t know what it means actually. How am I supposed to do the caAO percentage math anyway? Maybe if they make the Hershey’s Dark bar the control group…Yes. They should do that. So when they say it’s “50% cacAO” I know they mean it’s “half as bitter as the Hershey Dark square you’ve eaten before – the one and only dark chocolate available to man between 1900 and 2008.”

If you check out the packaging in the image you’ll see that it’s sugar free, no trans fat & gluten free. For the “Health and Calorie Conscious.” I’m sorry – but remind me what the point is of eating chocolate without sugar and calories?

In actuality – this stuff tastes good. I ate 4 squares of it, each one about 1″ X 3/4″. The bar was creamy – didn’t taste fake sweet like other non-sugar candies tend to taste, and there was some girth to the squares; after the 4 I ate I’m kinda full.

The ingredients list cocoa mass (huh?) and cocoa butter, and the sugar substitute is Maltitol, which upon further review I find has yet to give cancer to anyone. Allright! Buuuut my first google search turns up this jolly little #2 ranked link to an article from writer Laura Dolson: “Maltitol: Just Say No — Why Maltitol is Often More Trouble Than It’s Worth“. It says that Maltitol has somewhere between 75% and 90% of the sweetness of sugar (oh so that’s why these are good) and also can cause intestinal issues. (Oh so that’s why I will never buy these again.)

Ergo, thusly and hence: sure, buy these. Perhaps even enjoy before you run to said toilet. But if you want my opinion, stick to the sugar and buy yourself another choco bar at the checkout counter. Perhaps the one I’ll be reviewing next week!

chocolate is so much fun.

UPDATE: I think I can safely say these aren’t great for your insides – unless of course by ‘great for your insides’ you mean you like sitting on the toilet. A lot. Rating updated accordingly.


33 Comments

  1. Perhaps ‘Olestra’ has morphed into ‘Maltitol’. And is pimped by a huge multinational toilet paper corporation.

    Good one…

  2. I’ve never tried these bars, but I think you missed the point on this whole review… this is a niche product developed for a specific type of consumer… so everything that you don’t understand and don’t care about matters to people who would actually buy a candy bar like this. So, your review is really quite useless. Also, if your going to review something as a “guru”, then get your facts straight. The article you quoted about Maltitol was not written by the biggest loser guy. Maltitol is actually a natural sweetener that comes from wheat. For people who are looking to lose weight or have diabetes, it’s great. I personally eat sugar free chocolate that contains maltitol and I have no problem with it.

    Please, before you claim to be some kind of expert or guru on this stuff, do your research.

  3. Hey Robert,
    You’re right _ I got the author of the article on maltitol incorrect. When I clicked to that article originally, it had one of the biggest loser’s gymrats in the corner and I made the mistake of assuming it was his piece. it wasn’t – it was Laura Dolson. Thanks for the note – it’s now updated.

    Sorry that you found this review useless. My suggestion is you don’t read our site.

    -Matt

  4. where can i order simply lite chocolate bars on line-price per bar and shipping costs

  5. where can i order simply lite chocolate bars-price and shipping pls.

  6. They are a wholesaler, and I’ve seen their goods at Trader Joe’s. Not sure if you have a TJ’s in your area though. This is the one phone number I found for the company — 631-543-9600.
    It appears their website is in maintenance mode..http://www.simplylite.com/

  7. Walmart carries this brand and Simply Lite is surprisingly simply good! Try it.

  8. I just tried this- I was intrigued because it said “dark with almonds,” but it should’ve said “toilet paper not included”

    I mean, yeah, they’re tasty, and you’re not going to get the blood sugar crash, but your guts are in trouble.

    I will never purchase another one.

    • litlol!

    • Did you eat the entire bar or just the serving size? Sugar alcohols (Maltitol, Asparteme) when eaten in excess cause a laxative effect, which is why a lot of sugar free products tend to have a warning about eating too much.

  9. I tried one of these a couple of weeks ago and have been searching for them since. I’m on a low carb diet and have pretty much overcome my sweet tooth, but I really do hanker for chocolate once in a while. I really like these bars. 1 net carb in four pieces. Can’t beat that, and they taste great! I haven’t had any problems with spending time on the potty, but I do hear that malitol can cause that.
    Anyway, when you’re on a low carb diet, a little help going is always welcome… lol!!!

  10. You can find all of these at your local trader joes. They are also located online at http://www.diabeticfriendly.com. Hope this helps!!

  11. I eat 2 squares of this every day! My 2 cents: Ive never had intestinal probs from it at all. Maybe you have to eat a lot of it, I dont know, but I like the flavor and it lets me have a taste of dessert on my low-sugar/low-carb diet. It’s not the real thing but it’s fine.

  12. You’re an ass. “Robert” is right when he says you don’t understand, and you aren’t qualified to write a review. This sugar free product it targeted at a specific market (diabetics). And Malitol does nothing to you if you use it in moderation. You might read the label and note that one of these big chocolate bars provides at least THREE SERVINGS. So, yeah, if you eat the whole thing in one sitting, that’s a different story. For those of us that are “carb and sugar challenged” (diabetic), we know better. Maybe you don’t.

    • That kind of sweet talk must open many doors for you.

      But good to know – next time I want 1X1 inch piece of chocolate I’ll go Malitol all the way.

      • “Sorry that you found this review useless. My suggestion is you don’t read our site.”
        That kind of sweet talk must open many doors for you.
        Thanks for the warning – we won’t

        • Score: sick-n-effin-tired: 1
          Matty Guru: 0

          YOU GOT SERVED, BOYEEE!

  13. I loved the one I had. That said I a dietetic and really miss chocolate. So really good low carb chocolate makes me a very happy bitch.

  14. How many bars or squares did you eat before having to visit the toilet?

    Sugar Alcohols (what the packages describes as Polyols or Malitol) can and will make you go to the bathroom if you consume TOO much.

    At some point, your body gets used to a certain amount of these, too. Like for example, if you drink artificially sweetened coffee twice a day, then with time, your body will get used to that daily dose of polyols coming from the sweetener used in your coffee.

    Their label responsibly warns consumers that they’ll end up in the bathroom if they eat irresponsibly. These products aren’t made to be gobbled up in one sit, they’re made to cater to “cravings” and “guilty pleasures” of those seeking to lose weight or diabetes patients.

    My reason to mention this is because it seems like you made this alarming situation surrounding the fact that these chocolates can have a laxative effect without taking into account what they were made for and who they were made for. It’s like you wanted to review a candy made for diabetics and treat it as a regular Hershey’s bar.

    If something’s low calorie or low sugar or low carb, then it’s catered for a particular group, if you’re not in that group, then why bother tasting a product you won’t like or understand how it works?

    • It’s true: Matty’s a moron. To be fair though, he never said he wasn’t. But I’ll be sure to relay your thoughts to him.

      Also, to answer your question, we review a lot of products. So sometimes we don’t know what we’re getting into until we’re in it, know what I mean?

    • Yes – I didn’t really go into this review with my big boy pants on. Just doing a review and noting what I experienced. As Jonny mentioned, I’m not very smart. But, of course, I’m not a racist like Trump and I generally want good for all people, so I got that going for me.

      Thanks for reading!

      • Yes I understand that. There’s no way for you to truly know what awaits you and whether you’ll like it until you taste the food. I guess I didn’t take that into account.

        I still wanted to put that info out there for anyone who’s new to a diabetes diagnosis or looking for alternatives in their low-carb lifestyle. I use these chocolates to bake & for treats. As long as I don’t eat too many, they never get my bowels moving. Sadly, they can’t be used for snacking till your belly’s full.

        Thank you for taking the time to reply, very nice of both of you!

  15. I melt these down with dried cherries and almonds for a lower carb & sugar treat. Having Type 1 Diabetes, I will say that any good Dark Chocolate is much better than these bars, but this product gives me that little fix here and there because I cannot have the real thing (without giving myself a whole lot more Insulin, which is not worth it). I’ve also broken them up for sugar-free pancakes or chocolate chip cookies.

    I’ve had no intestinal problems, because, as all of the other low or no-sugar folks have said, I only have 1 or 2 squares at a time.

    Matty, you started out as a bit of a jerk in 2010, 2012, and grew to admit some new understanding by 2016. Good job. We all need to keep growing!

    • That makes sense. Glad there is candy even for those who have Type 1 Diabetes. Good to know.

      Note that I’m still a bit of a jerk but I’m just way more manageable now!

      Thanks for reading. 🙂

  16. I’m a newly digonosed diabetic who had to make major changes to my diet, having to give up burgers, fries, baked potatoes, white rice, pasta, and all sugar based deserts was bad enough, but chocolate, that’s where I draw the line, luckily I found these at Trader Joes and two squares satisfies my fix after dinner. I haven’t had any issues eating two or three pieces at a time.

    • Glad there’s some candy you can have. Stay healthy.

      Interesting thing about this review — it’s getting a lot of new reads lately… how did you find it?

  17. Also newly diagnosed diabetic, and just fell over this page ~ then fell over again reading The Education Of Matty.

    My meds do a number on me, and what might be a bug for some people with Simply Lite is more of a feature for others. I’ll leave it right there.

    At least it’s not Amazon’s Sugarless Gummy Bears. You’ve GOT to know about those, right?

    • OOOooh yes We know those. Thanks for reading Polly. 🙂

  18. I have never been able to tolerate sugar free chocolate until this bar. I don’t know what is different about the Simply Lite but I have never had a digestive issue with it. Last Saturday I ate an entire bar in one sitting and still no problems. I’m grateful for this “cheater” bar that doesn’t have the wicked side effects at least for me.

  19. I was given a bar of Simply Lite Dark by a fellow diabetic, and found this review while looking up where to buy more. I did see the “laxative effect” warning on the back of the label, and having had a bad experience with O’Lean chips back in the day, heeded the portion size carefully.

    I’ll note that the portion has been decreased from four squares to three since your original review, making each a nice round 100 calories.

    And props to you, Matty, for being willing to listen and learning a thing or two. 😉

  20. Thanks K 🙂

  21. I don’t understand why people feel like a reviewer, or anyone else, has an obligation to be “nice”. First of all, nice is subjective, second of all, if you’re going to criticize someone when they are literally doing you a favor, or someone who is providing a service to you, you deserve to have a bit of a verbal schooling. In my not so humble opinion.

    • missy dutiel is my new favorite person.

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