We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

Red Vines Super Ropes Realize Candy Engineering Yet Enhance Backfat

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I don’t care if you’re a candy addict or inexplicably, not-you’ve had Red Vines. And odds are, you’ve had them at the movies, right? My jam was simple: a pack of the stalest Red Vines the theater had to offer, and a giant 7-Up. At least with some of the vines, I’d bite off each end and use the remaining vine as a straw. After a few sips, the vine essentially freezes, making it uber-tough, and thus, perfect.

Apparently, the candy Engineers at the American Licorice Company finally figured this out. Enter Red Vines Super Ropes:

I wasn’t fully clear on the concept until I actually opened the bag and check it out for myself.

Here’s the deal: You get this super thick Red Vines rope thing. Then you start peeling the thin strings off it, which are of course, tasty. Finally, you’re left with a Red Vines straw. And not an uneven bumpy straw, a real looking freakin’ licorice straw.

Yes, it took the American Licorice Company the better part of 30 years or so to figure out that there’s a demand for bonafide Red Vines straws, but they’ve finally delivered.

However.

I’m not sure that I would buy these again. Not because they’re not tasty-they taste exactly like regular Vines. In fact, every single person I gave one of these to liked them a lot. No, the problem isn’t with the taste, the problem is with the bulk for me. With these newfangled things, a regular serving is one and one third Super Strings.

One and one third. Yeah. that’s gonna happen.

Look, I know about will power. I INVENTED will power. No ice cream? Fine. No cookies? Whatev. But one and a third Red Vines? To quote my son: “Heck to the no!”. It’s not gonna happen.

Red Vines are the candy for people who DON’T want to get super fat. They’re fat-free, and relatively harmless. But not when you’ve eaten 4 or 5 of these Super Ropes, and suddenly realize you’ve downed over 500 calories. Look, if you’re one of those assholes who can’t gain weight if you try, then clearly this doesn’t apply to you. But I’m not. And judging from the looks of most Californians and Americans around me, most of us aren’t. Therefore, these things border on the “not so great” snack option for me.

I’m gonna give them a good rating, because they deserve it. But for my money, I’ll stick with stale ass OG Red Vines. Think of it as backfat control.

 

 

8 Comments

  1. See, you are poking the bear at the zoo here…. you damn west coasters love those plastic textured red vines when CLEARLY, Twizzlers are far superior. Not to rekindle any West Coast / East Coast rivalry or anything but you are on the wrong side of this issue. Any self respecting red licorice fan back east would sooner let their blood sugar drop to dangerous levels than ever allow a red vine to pass thier gum line.

  2. Am I gonna have to issue a Vines vs. Twizz throw down?

    Look, the Twizz is fine. It’s OK. But it aint even close to Red Vines. Us Best Coasters know the real deal, and really…it’s sad watching you East Coasters flounder away in confusion.

  3. Um, the problem with Twizzlers is that THEY AREN’T LICORICE.

    Red Vines FTW!

  4. NOW I understand. I grew up in CA with Red Vines. Soooo good at the movies. And then I wended my way east, to the land of the Twizzler. And I tasted the Twizzler. And lo, it was no Red Vine. Now is either the Red Vine or the Twizzler actually a “good” candy? Or have we been so blinded by our childhood imprinting and coastal prejudices that we can’t just get along? I confess, I am off both the Twizzler and the Red Vine these days. But if I had to pick… Red Vine. You can take the girl out of California, but you can’t take the California out of the girl.

  5. Here we go.
    Don’t freak on me.
    But I like twizzlers.
    I love the vines but I also likes me some twizz. They’re just plastic-y good!

  6. Argreed, the TWIZ it is not licorice but hell I eat it anyway. BTW stale redvines are the bomb,why the heck would you buy this? Pointless

  7. I’m a Twizzler guy I have to admit. I grew up on neither the East coast or the West coast, but right in the middle. My movie theater ritual was a large Coke and a large bag of Twizzlers. They are far superior in my mind although they do sit like a brick in your stomach.

  8. I’m not a big fan of Twizzlers but if you’re going to eat them you have to do it at the movies with lightly buttered popcorn. That combination is pure joy.

    The rest of the time though Red Vines are unbeatable. Twizzlers can’t compare. They just aren’t red licorice. However, I’ve never seen the super strings in any stores here in Minnesota. We have those in Twizzlers but not Red Vines. I’ll have to look further for them. yummmmmm!

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