Jolly Rancher Awesome Twosome Chews: No. Na’wesome.

Even if you don’t like Jolly Ranchers as much as I do, if you’ve ever eaten them, you know their very distinctive flavors. I haven’t done the research but I think they were the first watermelon and green apple made into mainstream candy. And I’ll argue ad nauseum that they hold the title for best flavors in a hard candy, and longest lasting – from 1st suck through final crunch, usually a 10 minute eating process.

So given that the original Jolly Rancher is all about flavor, is it not perfectly logical for me to expect these Jolly Rancher Chews – with the word “awesome” in the title – to be just that?!

Yeah well guess who couldn’t be more disappointed.

Hershey, owners of the franchise since 1996, appears to be using the good name of the brand to get us to buy into the mediocrity.

• The two flavors available in the bag are Watermelon/Green apple & Cherry/Orange. Watermelon/Green apple I get – they ARE two J Ranch classics. But Cherry/Orange? How many people had to lie in the consumer tests that orange was a favorite to get these things made? Is their an orange candy lobby that I don’t know about? Orange is fine, and cherry Ranchers are the best cherry hard candy around, I’ll grant you that. But never would I suggest the two together. How about Grape/Lime? Doesn’t that sound good? Hershey, my friends, let’s not make this harder than it should be.
• There are only 2 flavors in the bag? When you go with just 2 flavors, they better be insane. 2 flavors says, “hey – these things are so good that if we had 3 or more flavors, you couldn’t handle the amazingness.”
• The candy consists of a marzipan like outside with a thick goop inside. Similar to the insides you see in the new filled twizzlers. They are soft on all sides. My suggestion would be to make the outside really chewy, like a red rope consistency, and then keep the inside soft. When I tried these about 3 weeks ago, and didn’t like the all-out softness, I left them in the open package in the pantry, hoping that when I went to write the review, they would be aged nicely. No such luck. Exact same mush. Not good.
• The flavors aren’t totally awry…The undertones definitely say Rancher. But the overtones say plastic, and the ratio of the two isn’t something to brag about.

Here’s the hard part that I almost don’t want to admit. The kids in the family like these. I didn’t ask for an opinion but when I gave a chew to the 7-year old, she said, “these are good. It really tastes like watermelon.” When I did ask the 5-year old what she thought, she made gestures like she just scored the winning goal and said: “good…Fantastic!”

And thus why Hershey’s likely doesn’t give twosome shitsomes of what I think about the Awesome Twosome chews.

But these aren’t for me. These are for the (forgive me, daughters) Less Discerning.