We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

Haribo Gold Bears: Not Unlike Sex

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Let’s hope my wife and paramours don’t read this! Because sex is of course in a league of its own. Sorry honey(s). But DAMMIT I love Haribo Gold Bears!

Talk about olde skool. When I was but a wee lad, I rode my bike downtown to the weird little tea store run by the one woman in that all-too-white town who had a foreign accent. It was the only store in town that insisted on calling itself a ‘shoppe’ and the only locale with bulk gummis. And I swear that the Haribo Gold Bears you can now buy in bulk or in the little gold packages at Walgreen’s, are the exact same ones this lady had. Absolutely. No doubt.

And I posit that Haribo Gold Bears were the Adam and Eve of gummis. They started it all including my inappropriate OCD-esque infatch with gummi.

And they rock. ROCk I Say! And sometimes when I’m in Walgreens and I think I won’t buy them since, hell, I can always get them and, shit, they’re just gummy bears for chrissake and I know exactly what they’ll taste like — so don’t I want to try something different and live dammit? But as soon as I DO buy these little treasures, I again am reminded that the best things in life, or simply the best candies in life, don’t need to be complicated.

Why? What’s so great? These things are chewy tough. Make you work for it. Always. Not like some candies that can be tough or maybe you need to age them to get them chewy. Nope – Gold Bears are always RTG. It takes a mighty good tug on the jaw to get them down. For me, the flavors are that perfect not-too-sweet-almost-fake-and-a-tad-plasticy acme of flavor; the pinnacle, nay, apex of what all gummis strive to be.

One tiny but important caveat: these ain’t AT ALL like the crap gummy bears made by Black Forest or Brach’s et al. Those suck. These don’t. These are the anithesis of suck. These are auce. These are perf.

So you – you who thinks you are no longer interested in gummi bears, or think you never liked gummi bears anyway because only little german kids do, or think the Twix is really all you need right now. Let me implore you to grab that gold bag of Haribo Gold Bears next time yr at Walgreens. And soon you too will be downing the whole $1.95 bag in one sitting. And you’ll thank me.

 

 

 

8 Comments

  1. totally agree, Matty. These are the Top Ramen of the candy world: always there, neglected, yet a savior. Good work.

    -Jonny

  2. So, Matty, are we to extrapolate that you like chewy tough sex?

  3. Chewy tough sex? Yum. 🙂

  4. “Why? What’s so great? These things are chewy tough. Make you work for it. Always. Not like some candies that can be tough or maybe you need to age them to get them chewy. Nope – Gold Bears are always RTG. It takes a mighty good tug on the jaw to get them down. For me, the flavors are that perfect not-too-sweet-almost-fake-and-a-tad-plasticy acme of flavor; the pinnacle, nay, apex of what all gummis strive to be.”

    YESS!!

  5. Oh God yes. I am eating Haribo Rattle-Snakes and appreciating your writing.

  6. I love these fresh in germany, but that removes the chewiness, giving them a soft tender texture like Albanese, while still having a nice chew. The flavors are more intense over there as well, they are almost 2 separate products (In Germany and them in the US) due to the travel time, the problem is, once you have had the fresh ones, it is hard to get used to the american ones.

    • Are you sure there is no US factory? I can hardly believe there ships traveling every day to fill American mouths of soft chewing bears…

      • We don’t know for sure, and of course the internets can be wrong, but the Wikipedia page says: “The company has five factories in Germany and 13 throughout the rest of Europe, and sales offices in almost every country in Europe, as well as in the United States and Australia.”

        This suggests all candy is made in Europe and shipped.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haribo

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