Theo’s Vegan Fig, Fennel and Almond Bar

I liked the way the almonds and fennel got stuck in your teeth - a treat for later.

Reviewed by Scotty

March 9, 2010


I present to you my tale of Theo’s Vegan Fig, Fennel and Almond 70% Cacao Bar. A present from my speed demon friend and client Devon. Get ready for take off.

This review occurred in the air – our first airplane review.  Yes, I was high on Xanax on the plane. Oddly, I’m not afraid of crashing–it’s the feeling of turbulence that turns me into a withering 4 year old.  Drugs help.


Leg One of the trip: Florida to Houston.  I was sitting with Audra a Pharmacist,  from San Diego. She was cute and dealt gracefully with my ridiculousness, so I invited her to try the Theo’s bar. She accepted. I later found out that she was a displaced Bostonian and yes, a Red Sox fan. I tried to get her chocolate back but she had already eaten her cut.  Knowing her sports affiliation…who really cares what she thought?  You can’t trust those people…


Leg Two of the trip, Houston to San Fran. Lindy’s about 50, long blond hair, gypsy type, tassels and silk hanging off of her from every possible angle, adorned in jewelery – much of which was made from soda can tabs. She looks like she might have lost her shoes at a Grateful Dead concert 30 years ago and may fluff auras for a living – I didn’t ask but I’m guessing she’s lost more than just her shoes since then. She noticed me working on the pics of Theo’s Vegan bar and inquired. Yeah, blah, blah – candy review – 43 year old man – married, kid, another on the way – a boy, candy. “Really, so cool. Are you sure you are having a boy – I feel a girl”?  Sigh.  Somehow she was intrigued and yes, also a Vegan. Perfect.


We all agreed pretty much – the bar was good – not great but good and interesting. The consistency was more like milk chocolate – softer and creamier than expected from 70% Cacao. Definitely quality. Rich, clean but less robust than others at 70%. The fennel and almonds compliment the chocolate and balance perfectly – nothing overpowering.   I couldn’t taste the fig but it was certainly in the texture. I also wanted more texture from the almonds. I liked the way the almonds and fennel got stuck in your teeth – a treat for later. Although not often, I would buy this bar again, because you can just feel the pride.


Leg two is where things got freaky.  The half hour of nasty turbulence sucked and the Xanex from the first leg had half-lifed itself into non-existence. Sweaty palms, churning stomach, my drink spilling on my leg. People were flipping out – but not Lindy. “I dreamed that I might die in a plane crash” Yes – I repeat – YES – she actually said this to me – with a smile – during my terror. I tend to be more affected by – well – let’s say – sane people but she didn’t help. Later she also told me that she had dreamed that she might die from poisoning or during sex. I wish I had a tape recorder.

Lindy gently slid the first square into her mouth.  Her eyes rolled back into her head,  closed and than the moaning began- for about a minute. She just let it sit on her tongue as she moaned away. I so needed this recorded. “Oh god… the fennel is delightful… you must breathe in through your nose… oh lord this is fantastic.” Second square – more of the same with enhanced gusto and volume. At this point I’m considering an emergency water landing.  Something.


Despite her loose grip on the edge of sanity, Lindy was right about one thing-no, I didn’t die in a plane crash, and no, I’m not having a girl. She was right about the enjoyment that this chocolate bar brings.  It’s made with care and certainly by some people who love what they are producing. Without being completely in love with this candy, I have become a fan of Theo’s and there will be more reviews to come.


I’m not going to go into great detail here but please check out Theo’s website. Read their story. This is a company that you SHOULD support – says me. Even their website oozes passion for chocolateering. Their chocolates are thoughtful, creative and all made in small batches. They produce single origin bars from Madagascar, Ghana and Costa Rica and have a Vegan line, make caramels, nibs and sipping chocolate. Go fall down their rabbits hole and check out their Fantasy line. Whether adventurous or simple in your chocolate tastes there’s something there for you. They are organic and buy directly from farmers, not corporations. I’ll feel good about buying and eating their chocolates and so SHOULD you. Says me and Lindy – I think.


Zolli Candy


  1. ali

    that was hilarious! AND i can’t wait to try the bar. i am crazy for Theo’s bread & chocolate bar. and now i am going to check out their website! THANKS!

  2. Scotty

    That’s not her real name and she was way cookier than I made it out – very sweet though. Her tasting of the vegan bar would have been either the best or worst advertisement that Theo’s could have ever had.

  3. Amanda

    oh sorry LINDY. my brain gets stuck on hippie names

  4. Amanda

    I wonder if Linda will read this…

  5. Scotty

    Sorry – forgot the links. They are up now.

  6. Matty

    Funny review.
    What’s Leo’s website?
    Where can one get these?


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