Wonka Chewy Gobstoppers: Thanks for Giving Mediocrity

And I'm thankful for weak flavored anti-gobstoppers

Reviewed by Matty

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November 26, 2010

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Ahh Thanksgiving. Eating and sitting and drinking and talking and eating then sleeping then waking and eating and talking. Welcome to middle class American life. Sounds stunning doesn’t it?


Went out with the kids to the local little mall and of course there was an overpriced candy shoppe where I bought some Chewy Centered Wonka Gobstoppers – a box that should be 85 cents priced at $1.50. I should have taken cousin Phil’s advice and bought the chocolate covered crickets to review. But nooo…instead I bought the chewy f’ing gobstoppers because, well, I hadn’t had them before and when I texted Jonny he confirmed that we haven’t reviewed them.

And maybe we didn’t because we didn’t NEED to. These things suck. Let me clarify: these things suck – for adults. The kids loved them.

  • “They are bursting with flavor when you put them in your mouth and then get chewy inside.” – Oblivious Kid 1
  • “They are really good and the cherry ones taste like real cherries.” – Totally Wrong Kid 2
  • “It’s very flavorful. The lemon is a teeny bit sour but not so sour.” – Dumdum Kid 3
  • “You expect it be all chewy and gum but it breaks apart in your mouth and it’s all good.” – Kiss Ass Kid 4

These kids couldn’t be wronger. The flavors are nothing if not general. A little orange or cherry or green apple here and there, but with saccharine cough syrup undertones that get less flavorful as you eat. Sucking on it isn’t enjoyable, and yet I assume Wonka (Nestle) WANT us to suck since the box says they are jawbreakers that change colors and flavors. But as I suck, I’m not getting any new flavors at all. And sorry – these won’t break any jaws. They’re about as hard as an old lemonhead. And am I supposed to take the ball out and look at it occasionally, to see the new colors? Not bloody likely.


The one slightly decent thing about these is that the grape flavor is OK. The kind of grape flavor I like – sadly, the kind you likely won’t like.


Thanks for giving us crap candy, Wonka. By the way, this isn’t the first. There’s the original gobstoppers – “feh,” and these chocolate mediocrity bars, and gaggy gummies. Anyone else find it sad that the one truly fabled U.S. candy name is cranking out the worst sweets?

Zolli Candy

18 Comments

  1. Paul H

    I love these. I tried a box and the next time I went back to the store I bought 13 boxes. I’ve been going through about two 3.75 ounce boxes per day.

    Reply
    • Matty

      Think maybe they got better? We could revisit this candy. It’s been 9 years…

      Reply
      • Vanessa

        I absolutely LOVE Chewy Gobbstoppers. I was born in the late 80’s and still they’re my favorite. I get extremely annoyed when I go into any store and there’s always the stupid Everlasting Gobbstoppers!!! The Chewy ones are my favorite. And they are only in the stores sporadically

        Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Your booty stinks

    Reply
    • Matty

      They all do, anon, they all do

      Reply
  3. Crista Thomas

    This guys is crazy! Chewy Gobstoppers are phenomenal!

    Reply
    • Matty

      It’s true. This guys IS crazy.

      Reply
      • Anonymous

        And I get more pussy than your mom

        Reply
        • Matty

          well my mom’s not gay so… you might.

          Reply
  4. That guy

    You used the word “wronger”. Fucking idiot.

    Reply
    • Matty

      oh. that’s not a word? i thinking it was’ed. Weerd. Hau did i evr get that wrung.

      Reply
      • Name

        Matty, you are a fucktard. Yes thats a real word. Chewy Gobstoppers are the best. Suck a dick since you don’t like sucking on good candy.

        Reply
        • Matty

          Hm. Dicks aren’t for me although there’s nothing wrong with it. I do like the word fucktard though. Makes me giggle a little.

          Reply
  5. Bearfoot

    Um.. I’m 35 and they’re my favorite.

    Probably because I’m a chewer and prefer the texture to the “normal” Ones.

    Not mad or anything, after all the review is just your opinion.

    Reply
  6. Matty

    Thanks Sweet Amy 🙂

    Reply
  7. Sweet Amy

    LOL — I always enjoy reading your reviews. Especially the children’s responses…

    Reply
  8. Robert The Big

    I’m afraid Matty that the issue is more your age than anything. Kids just love really, really sweet things and, humph, adults don’t.

    Reply
  9. Martha

    They look pretty good. I might still try them in spite of your review, Matty. If I don’t like them, I’m going to blame it on your excellent picture.

    Reply

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