We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

Twizzlers Sweet and Soft Sour Poo Nozzles

Author
Users

Like the Montagues and Capulets, the battle between Red Vines and Twizzlers has captured the hearts and minds of people for ages.  And when I say “people”, I mean me, Matty, and like 4 other acquaintances.  But it’s important.

Red Vines traditionally were like the cool kid : nothing overtly special, he wast just cool.  The red things you get at the movies?  Cool.  You could buy the same thing in stores, tasted the same, were reliable..  Later, a black licorice version became available.  But more or less, for years and years, it was Red Vines or Black Vines, nothing else.  Sure, there were a lot of people who didn’t like them, but…there were a hell of a lot more who did.

Along came Twizzlers, who I liken to that annoying kid who was kinda amusing, but moreso, pathetic.  He’d do things like try to bribe you to come over to his house to play, luring you with the promise of cool snacks or a look at his Dad’s Playboys.   At times, he’d be ayeet to hang with, but…usually you’d opt to meet Red Vines at the park.

It’s immediately obvious, the difference between Twizzlers and Red Vines- if not, we’ve written about both, so catch up when you can.  Twizzlers generally were a slicker, firmer, weirder, less tasty Red Vine.  Artificial in every way, they have a very specific audience.  For years, I hated them, but with time, I learned to occasionally appreciate a Twiz or two.  Never really more than that, as the plastic-esque consistency always got to me after a while.

My brother picked up a bag of Twizzy’s latest offering : “Sweet and Sour Filled Twists”.  As he gave them to me, he said, “These look like they suck”.  Thanks bro!

The first thing I noticed when I opened the bag was that, unlike Red Vines, these new bastardized Twizzlers clump together not unlike intestines, freshly gutted out of a large fish.  The second thing I noticed was the unbelievable sweet stink coming off of them-fragrant, floral, scary.  The third, and by far most disturbing observation I made was the physical feel of these things- gone was the plastic I had grown to accept.  These were…spongy and soft, with a plastic looking sheen.  Even creepier.

I’m gonna cut to the chase-there’s something horribly, horribly wrong with these.  Before you even take a bite, your body’s internal defense mechanism takes over, telling you to be afraid.  My friends wouldn’t even try them last night.  Of course, Jonny Guru Jr. thinks they’re “Awesome, Dad!  Awesome!”.  But he doesn’t know a lot. Notice him trying to rip me off, and yes, he has painted fingernails. Aren’t they awesome??!?!!

While we’re on the subject, does anyone else find it amusing that the word “awesome” has changed from the only way to describe things like the heavens parting, plagues of locusts, volcanos erupting, etc, to the go-to term to describe Twizzlers or Star Wars Transformers?  And before you get cute, yes, there are Star Wars Transformers toys.  Trust me.

1906 : “An earthquake of awesome magnitude hit San Francisco….”

2010 : “Dude, that chicken parm was awesome!”

Sigh.

Everything about these are wrong.  Like regular Twizzlers, flavor identifying is out the window.  There’s yellow and red.  And inside each…tube, is a soft, sticky, “goo”.  Not a wet juice type thing, but more a spongy soft candy poo, just waiting to be dribbled into your mouth.

Look, I know it’s disgusting- that’s why I’m telling you now.  Not that you had the strongest urge to buy these, but…if you did, don’t.  Compared to these, normal Strawberry Twizzlers are amazing.  On top of all the bad taste and smell and consistency issues is the caloric info- Only TWO of these things qualify as one 130 calorie serving.  So you can either have 2 of these or 13 Zots.  or 10 pieces of Sour Cola haribo Bottles.  Not worth it, no way, no how.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s been a while for this reviewer, but….we finally have another spitter!  Grab the trash can!

I’m not saying that those sad sacks weirdo kids who had kick ass treats at their houses to compensate for their lack of personality aren’t worthy of love too- they are. These Twizzlers are not. Any candy that not only smells rank, but that also physically resembles puss gooping out of adolescent zits aint for me. Most def not awesome.

 

 



  • http://reignoferror.blogspot.com greebs

    Wow. Well, at least you can’t say I didn’t warn you. They look even more fluorescent here than they did in the package.

    Yikes!

  • Josh

    While these bastardized evil cousins of the Twiz may indeed suck… Their classic red brethren certainly do not.

  • Matty

    I almost want to try them now because they sounds so awful.
    Ring one up for the Vines.

  • http://www.twitter.com/RedVines Mike Kelly @RedVines

    Jonny, you’re taking the medium of candy blogging to new heights with pieces like this…

  • Kris

    Late one night at a hotel, I was desperate for something sweet and found these in the vending machine, even though I already knew I wasn’t a fan of regular Twizzlers. Sure enough – these were spectacularly awful. Smelled of… Play-doh? The texture… the artificiality of everything? You captured it perfectly. I Googled these things to see if I was the only one who hated them and ran across mostly positive reviews… what the wha? Who ARE these people? Do they chew on rubber hoses when they’re feeling a mite bit peckish??

  • Sexy Lexi

    OMG! I wish I’d read this post before I devoured the free sample that game in the mail just now. I feel nauseous! I know they suck but I couldn’t stop eating them until they were gone. Thank god there were only 2! Never again, I swear to my gut. What a waste of 130 calories!

  • Christopher Chambers

    LIES! ALL LIES! These soft and pillowy Twizzlers are DELIICIOUS! I tend to believe that everyone who hates these, is either a satanist or have no taste buds. The Sweet and Sour Soft Twizzlers are my favorite of the red licorice family! And I must say, I’ve purchased a bag of Red Vines and they were absolutely GOD AWFUL! This is not the review of a spiteful person who is angry at your hatred of the great soft ropes, but of someone who tried and despised the Vines before he saw your site. Honestly, the bag I purchased may have been out of date or something, but they really were horrible compared to Twizzlers. The Soft ones are very sweet and fruity! I would recommend them to anyone with a sweet tooth for candy! Have a nice day. ^_^

  • Eternelmoment

    i guess it’s like mac and pc, you’re one or the other, and you automatically hate the other one because it’s just not compatible