We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

Trolli Valentine Mix: Sour Gummi Candy be Dandy

Author

Here’s the age-old tale told a dozen times: Trolli in the U.S. is usually pedestrian while outside the US it’s gangbusters. Just setting the stage… As I’m in Walgreen’s, looking at all the pink f&^$ing candy wrappers thinking how annoyed I am by Valentine’s Day, when I come across these:

TROLLival-bagfeat

The Trolli Valentine’s Mix. Hey why not. I bought. I opened. I taste. I like. Done and done.

Honestly, if I wasn’t so goddamn entertaining you could just click away. Move your cursor up to the ‘home’ icon in your browser and surf outta here. Fine.

Kidding! Don’t do that! Jesus. We get paid by the minute and I got stuffs to say!

First off, what the hell is this shape?

TROLLival-heartsmushedfeat

I say it’s a really weird cupid. You got the requisite hearts of course:

TROLLival-heartsfeat

and there are gummy arrows too. So I thought for sure those weird cloud-like messes were cupids. But no, I think they’re lips. That’s what the package says: “Soft and chewy heart and lip-shaped ever-so-sour gummies in favorite mouthwatering flavors like grape, strawberry and cherry!”

Wait. Stop. What? Hey Trolli – and all you other candy marketing mavens – don’t you EVER tell me your gummies are “ever-so-sour” unless when I eat them, my tongue rolls up like a Ho Ho (may they rest in peace) and I screamingly kick my kids out of the way, leaping for the kegerator to rehydrate before I – literally – die.

Sorry, but these ‘sour’ gummies ain’t that.

Also, exactly who told you cherry, strawberry and grape were their “favorite mouth-watering” flavors? Seriously, find them and fire them. Or if they were part of a focus group then go ahead and throw out that research. Not even a baby, who’s never had a sweet thing in its life, that eats nothing but squash and avocados, would tell you, if it could talk, that cherry, strawberry and grape were its favorites. It would say “yeah these are good, but where’s this salted caramel I heard about?”

The funny thing, after all my whining, I actually really like these! (Yaaaaay love!) But Trolli my dears, you oversold the hell out of them and I’m a bit annoyed.

May I suggest the following passage for your package? Feel free to steal:

“Soft and chewy heart and weird-cupid shaped reasonably tough gummies (like us gummi connoisseurs love), in tried and true flavors like grape, strawberry and cherry, with a nice blast of tart that’ll kickstart your Valentine’s Day!”

You’re welcome.

Now I bought these at Walgreen’s, and they look a little old. But ‘old’ and ‘gummy’ go good together, so I’m fine with that. When I did some due internet diligence, I found 2 places that appeared to sell these, and the main one that seemed most “above board” has kinduva strange name: Mountain Man Nut & Fruit Co. Hm. … Good luck with that.

  • jonnyguru

    Despite your praises, I’m begging off. Unless I see them in a store, in which case I’ll buy and eat them, but I WON’T love them, Damn it. I won’t.

  • Josh

    Lips? they kinda look like Pregnant Teddy Bears or something. That mold maker needs to start updating the ol’ resume if that’s what he’s churning out. Matty… your copywriting skills are superb.

  • Moi

    “Also, exactly who told you cherry, strawberry and grape were their “favorite mouth-watering” flavors? ”
    Me.

  • Woof

    Eating some of these right now that my boyfriend got me and it looks like you forgot that the “cupid’s arrows” look like erm, well, a penis. So, that’s also a lovely St. Valentine’s sentiment, right?

    • Matty

      Good point. The fact that I missed a reference to anything sexual is a serious My Bad.

    • jonnyguru

      Look at the sass on woof! I approve.