We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

Skwinkles. Is Tasting Like Ass the Objective Here?

Author

Cuz if so – BRAVO. Bra-fuckin-O.

 

“Skwinkles Salsaghetti – Hot watermelon flavored candy strips with Tamarin flavored sauce”

skwink-full

There’s just no goddamn way this is candy. It looks like crap. It tastes like shit. It comes with a packet of spicy runny jelly sauce and the only redeeming factor is that they give you almost none to eat.

 

Jonny and I went to Mexico last year with the fams and we had an aucey spumante time. I just dig that place. I love the food. I meld with the culture. I worship the sun and the beach. So we were both a little taken aback at the dearth of good Mexican candy. Now I have a co-worker friend named Mel who insists there is good Mexican candy and god love her – bring it on. Prove it. Because I’m easy like a 10-cent whore when it comes to sweets: I’ll eat anything. These Skwinkles I assume are Mexican since there’s Spanish all over the package and we ain’t near Barcelona.

skwink-candy2webThey are exactly like the gummis we got in Mexico — no real chew, and instead all melty and soft. These also have some kind of pepper looking bits all over the gummi candy and then I guess you pour the sauce on the candy and eat it? Like it’s ketchup? On your watermelon spicy spaghetti?

 

Jesus these suck. I refuse to eat even one more little bite. I can barely review these. The sauce tastes like sickly sacharrine SALSA. Note to Mexico: don’t fucking put salsa on everything. Who told you that salsa is a condiment like salt or sugar? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? God. It’s pissing me off a little right now. And what’s even weirder is that I got these at Walgreen’s (local drugstore) AND the box/case of them was almost empty so I was half happy that I got a package since it seemed obvious they were popular. But hell NO – these aren’t possibly popular for anything besides angering people who like things that taste good.

 

These are the worst candy I’ve ever had. It’s not even close. I pushed them on my wife and she said – and I quote – “Are you fucking kidding me?” And I’m the one with the potty mouth in the family.

These aren’t just spitters – they’re pukers.

 

  • http://reignoferror.blogspot.com greebs

    Wow. You didn’t even really focus on the horrible, godawful NAME. Skwinkles Salsaghetti? Normally, I’d expect a paragraph or seven from you railing against how idiotic that is – but that probably speaks to JUST how miserable these are. Great review.

  • http://www.assistantsthemovie.com Steve

    Wow.

    A zero star rating.

    Tell us what you really think.

  • Jonny

    I’ve “had” these. And like my people are want to say, :

    “NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!”

  • http://cookingforassholes.com Alex

    That is the same adventurous spirit that led me to believe shredded squid jerky would be delicious.

  • http://none Co-worker Mel

    Yea, I agree. Gummy candies are not Mexico’s forte candy department. BUT, anything tamarindo IS. Here are some GOOD Mexican candies worth trying:
    -Pulparindo
    -Pelon Pelo Rico
    -Vero Mango
    -Mazapan
    -Limon 7 (salt & lime)

    C’mon Jonny & Matty! Give Mexican candy another chance ;)

  • Daniel

    Thanks god I’m Mexican!

  • Aaron

    Got these in the discount bin at the grocery store. I had the Cherry “flavor”. Of the four packages I bought, (just because they looked zany,) the remaining three are going to be used only in the midst of violent threats.