We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

Pawas Red Bull Gummies : A Really Fucking Bad Idea

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I don’t like to condemn “new ideas” right out of the gate, and while I suppose there ARE some folks who’ve been waiting for energy drink gummies, I just don’t get it.
Let’s start with Red Bull in general.  We’ve all drank them-hell, I’ve had more than a fein a single evening before.  They kinda work, I guess, but I never really felt an energy “jolt” from them-I think I just enjoyed them with Vodka.  But I digress-

The iconic thing about Red Bull for me is the taste: it’s weird.  Not necessarily bad, but definitely far from good.  It’s unique, and generally makes me think “hey, this is what energy tastes like!”.  Can’t say that I’ve ever craved it though, which is why I’m so vexed by these little devils.

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First of all, they look like a Danzig cd cover.  It’s beyond scary, to the point that I feel threatened.  There’s a devil bull who’s yelling at me to taste red, and a text font that came straight out of the David Fincher movie “Se7en”.  NOT COOL!  But don’t worry, these gummies have “energy”.  In addition to a vitamin B punch, they pack caffeine AND Taurine.  They’re not kidding around.

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Just boring ‘ol innocuous gummies, right?  Not really.

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Yep.  The devil bulls.  As soon as I opened the bag, I was overwhelmed with Eu de Red Bull- the aroma was unmistakably Red Bull-like 100% exactly the same.  The only thing left to do was try one, and brace myself for staying up all night.

The good news & bad news is that they taste just like Red Bull too.  For me, and everyone I know, this is a deal breaker.  I don’t ever want to taste Red Bull unless I’m slamming one, which is a rare occurrence for me these days.  But you might be saying “sir, what about the children?  Isn’t this the perfect vehicle for children to get their daily dose of caffeine & taurine from?”  great question.  And while the answer in a perverted sense is yes, the more obvious answer is that, and I’m gonna yell now, CHILDREN SHOULDN’T BE INGESTING THIS SHIT.  I don’t anna be a judgy dad, but if your 10 year old “needs” an energy pickup?  You’ve got problems.

So where does that leave us?  I’m not sure about you, but it leaves me with a full bag of devil bull candies that I can’t give away.

 

Some ideas are best left on the cutting room floor. That’s why they call it a “cutting room”.

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