We may be sour, but we know our sweets.

No one Better Slay a Singer on My Butterfinger

Author

We got a request from a “Margaret”* who is a friend of a “Judy.” Mags asked if we had reviewed Butterfingers. She couldn’t find it.

Oh Maggie. Do you not read the Guru’s tagline? Margie, darlink: We eat the chews that 5 year olds eat. We like the big blue spreckled clear-with-a-sheen sugar bombs.

And yet – because I like to read my writing as much as the next Haribo addict – I will put keystroke to laptop and review ye olde Butterfinger for Miss Mags.

The Fingers first launched in 1923. That was before the Great Depression. Which was the big one before the great depression we’re in now. (Zing!) Thank you George Bush.(Blam! Kazooey!)

First thing Butterfingers have over other bars? Hecka original. Is there another chocolate bar that even comes close to tasting like they taste? (besides chick-o-sticks which Jonny reviewed here). Cuz you might miss on a few others. You could be eating a Peanut Snickers and wonder if it’s maybe a Whatchamacallit. You could be eating a 5th Avenue and wonder if you’re eating an Oh Henry. But you won’t ever mistake the Butterfinger for a Nutrageous.

Sure, candy bars are always mixing peanuts and peanut butter with caramel and nougat. Those are the standby ingredients. And even with B-fings peanuts are the 3rd listed ingredient (behind…? what’s #1 and #2. Guess. If you said sugar and corn syrup, pat yourself on your tush for knowing your fat math).

But I posit that the coup de’tat, the coup de grace – nay, the raison d’etre of the Butterfinger is how the 8th listed ingredient, “Confectioner’s Corn Flakes,” dances with the ever present peanut. Cuz there’s this crisp yet fall-apart, sticky and crunchy get-all-in-your-teeth-and-kinda-hurt-em texture that makes Butterfinger different from any other chocolate confection. Like other bars – yes, you can taste the peanuts in there. You have to think about it a bit when eating, but they are in there. And it’s also sweet as hell – like I said, they kinda hurt my teeth, and the chocolate tastes a bit more sweet and melt-in-your-hands than other chocolate. But that brown orange flaky crisp trippy inside – well that’s what puts the butt right in the finger. (I was waiting all post to use that.)

And yet. The very essence of B-Frings can also be its fatal flaw. My main issue with ButtFings ( eeks. bad abbrev.) is the huge sliding scale between fresh and not so fresh. Fresh ButtFs (worse abbrev!) are auce. They are light and clean tasting. They don’t stick in your teeth, as much, and when you bite into them, they are crisp, like a stack of saltines.

Howevs, When a finga is old…

And by old I have no idea how long that is. Has it been on the shelf for 2 months? A year? 5 years? Who knows. They aren’t like M&Ms, for example, which are the same all the goddamned time. Even when M&Ms are discolored like a bad Easter egg they still taste the same. It’s unsane.

But with Fingers, WOW are the old ones bad chewy. Like a crap ol’ piece of cereal, or a lite shit cookie that’s been unpackaged for a week. It’s the kinda chewy where your brain winces, like when you thought you were drinking plain ol milk out of a carton in the fridge and instead it was two week old half and half.

And yet – the Finger Roullette is a game I’ll always play. If I’m in the mood for a good old fashioned chocolate bar type thing, it’s in my top 3.

Plus – Bart hocks them and even in its 35th jumped-the-shark year, I love me some Simposiums.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEXlQxC6qe4&hl=en&fs=1]

 

 

 

  • greebs

    This is immediately one of my favorite all time posts. Auce.

  • d j / s p l i t

    Awesome, dude. The abbreviations were the best part.

  • Lia

    I love this post. I’m only sorry it was really a certain “Margaret” who wondered about Butterfingers. An uncertain “Lia” hoped someone else–meaning you, because who else does this important work?–found ten-star bliss in those orange marshmallow peanuts. Another friend of a certain “Judy” then pretty much threatened an intervention. She mocked “Lia’s” orange peanuts jones, saying they’d put her off orange-colored foods for the rest of her life. If you gurus don’t stand up for this candy, who will?

  • Candy Gurus

    Thank you “Lia” for your comment.
    (We of course use quotation marks to respect the innocent.)

    I updated the post to reflect that “Margaret” was indeed the review asker. And for you, “Lia,” we shall do our best to humbly oblige a review of those orange things you so adore.

    -MattyR

  • Margaret’s Tour Schedule

    Thanks for the Butterfinger history. Child, I had no idea! And you’re completely right about the need for freshness. Here in the south, I only buy them in a busy supermarket. Too chancy at a crossroads gas station. It’s like candy corn. Only good at Halloween. And again, only from a busy grocery.

    “A certain Margaret”

  • Ev

    Similar Bars and Ranking

    1. Zagnut-The best bar, flaky and light, never had an “old sticky one”, has great crunch and instead of mocklate like the Butterfinger, it has toasted coconut
    2. 5th Avenue, similar to the zagnut, chocolate is not great, has a good flavor though
    3. Clark Bar, weak on the peanut butter flavor, but solid, oldschool bar, nice crunch and decent chocolate
    4. Butterfinger, it falls behind because of the poor chocolate and artificial flavor, still, decent enough
    5/6. Atkinson peanut butter bar/Chick o Stick, the first is the classic hard candy with peanut butter and the whole thing is encased in hard candy, I see them most often in twin cylinder packs, there is a smaller version, but they suffer even more from the problem below. Chick o Stick is orange, peanut butter/hard candy like all of these, but with coconut (making it close to a Zagnut), These two are harder to find nowadays and when you do, they are often stale, which means they will stick your mouth together (especially the first and the mini version of it EVEN MORE).

    I would revise the rankings if you could get them all fresh, but with the little guys hard to find, that is rarely a given. That said, a frozen butterfinger is great at times!