We got a request from a “Margaret”* who is a friend of a “Judy.” Mags asked if we had reviewed Butterfingers. She couldn’t find it.
Oh Maggie. Do you not read the Guru’s tagline? Margie, darlink: We eat the chews that 5 year olds eat. We like the big blue spreckled clear-with-a-sheen sugar bombs.
And yet – because I like to read my writing as much as the next Haribo addict – I will put keystroke to laptop and review ye olde Butterfinger for Miss Mags.
The Fingers first launched in 1923. That was before the Great Depression. Which was the big one before the great depression we’re in now. (Zing!) Thank you George Bush.(Blam! Kazooey!)
First thing Butterfingers have over other bars? Hecka original. Is there another chocolate bar that even comes close to tasting like they taste? (besides chick-o-sticks which Jonny reviewed here). Cuz you might miss on a few others. You could be eating a Peanut Snickers and wonder if it’s maybe a Whatchamacallit. You could be eating a 5th Avenue and wonder if you’re eating an Oh Henry. But you won’t ever mistake the Butterfinger for a Nutrageous.
Sure, candy bars are always mixing peanuts and peanut butter with caramel and nougat. Those are the standby ingredients. And even with B-fings peanuts are the 3rd listed ingredient (behind…? what’s #1 and #2. Guess. If you said sugar and corn syrup, pat yourself on your tush for knowing your fat math).
But I posit that the coup de’tat, the coup de grace – nay, the raison d’etre of the Butterfinger is how the 8th listed ingredient, “Confectioner’s Corn Flakes,” dances with the ever present peanut. Cuz there’s this crisp yet fall-apart, sticky and crunchy get-all-in-your-teeth-and-kinda-hurt-em texture that makes Butterfinger different from any other chocolate confection. Like other bars – yes, you can taste the peanuts in there. You have to think about it a bit when eating, but they are in there. And it’s also sweet as hell – like I said, they kinda hurt my teeth, and the chocolate tastes a bit more sweet and melt-in-your-hands than other chocolate. But that brown orange flaky crisp trippy inside – well that’s what puts the butt right in the finger. (I was waiting all post to use that.)
And yet. The very essence of B-Frings can also be its fatal flaw. My main issue with ButtFings ( eeks. bad abbrev.) is the huge sliding scale between fresh and not so fresh. Fresh ButtFs (worse abbrev!) are auce. They are light and clean tasting. They don’t stick in your teeth, as much, and when you bite into them, they are crisp, like a stack of saltines.
Howevs, When a finga is old…
And by old I have no idea how long that is. Has it been on the shelf for 2 months? A year? 5 years? Who knows. They aren’t like M&Ms, for example, which are the same all the goddamned time. Even when M&Ms are discolored like a bad Easter egg they still taste the same. It’s unsane.
But with Fingers, WOW are the old ones bad chewy. Like a crap ol’ piece of cereal, or a lite shit cookie that’s been unpackaged for a week. It’s the kinda chewy where your brain winces, like when you thought you were drinking plain ol milk out of a carton in the fridge and instead it was two week old half and half.
And yet – the Finger Roullette is a game I’ll always play. If I’m in the mood for a good old fashioned chocolate bar type thing, it’s in my top 3.
Plus – Bart hocks them and even in its 35th jumped-the-shark year, I love me some Simposiums.