Well guess what?  They won’t.  Nothing will.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking: “But it’s Valentine’s Day, Jonny!  I’m going to celebreate my love for my girl/boy/kid/tree frog/whatever!”
No you’re not.  You’re not going to at all.  You’re going to do one of two things, predicated by marital status and hygiene:

If you’re not married:

1. Sit home sad, alone, watching season 2 of “Dual Survival”.  Again. Or, if you smell good and have a mate, then…

2. Go out on a “date”.  It’s gonna be great!   You’re gonna pay 2x normal prices for shit food, wonder if you’re gonna get laid later, eat too much, be uncomfortable, and…who knows really how the night will end.  MAYBE you’ll get lucky, maybe you won’t.  It’s still gonna be lame.

If you ARE  married:

There’s only one option.  You’re gonna think you’re “cool” by bucking convention and not “worrying” about V-Day, cause that’s a Hallmark Holiday, so you’re just gonna order chinese in and….watch season 3 of “Downton Abbey”.  Oh yeah.  You’re better than those sad, sad, single people for sure.

So where does that leave us with regards to Wonka’s Everlasting Gobstopper Heartbreakers?

Oh, sure.  You might be drawn to the bag too, what with their eclectic use of 70’s style colors and patterns.  THESE might be a cute thing to give to people, right?  Actually, it is right.  Assuming you want them to break a few teeth, then this is definitely an awesome idea.

Look, if you know ANYTHING about Valentine’s Day, you know to have sex BEFORE you have dinner.  Thanks Dan Savage. Also?  You know that chocolate is the traditional  candy gift, not juvenile dentist appointments of the future.  However…maybe that’s the perfect reason to give these?

They basically taste identical to “normal” Everlasting Gobstoppers, but honestly (and this is how much of a nerd I am) I bought a box of those and ate them both at the same time to compare.  I liked the OG ones significantly more than these.  There was just a bit brighter overall flavor.

If you’re Amish and have never had a Gobstopper (which, by the way, means that you’re reading this on an electronic device, which is against your rules, but I won’t tell as I enjoy controlled anarchy), they’re pretty unique: A hard, hard candy that requires a little bit of sucking before you can break it down.  Inside the center is a little bit of good ‘ol Wonka tart powder, so that’s fun.

Ultimately though, not fun enough to really warrant buying these as a real candy option.  Not for me anyhow.  But for V-Day? I could see it.  Here’s what you’re gonna do: Buy  a bag, and make a long arrow in your loved one’s bedroom (make sure not to get arrested doing this), pointing towards their window.  Then, you guessed it, you’re standing outside, pulling a “Say Anything”, holding a 90’s boom box over your head playing “In Your Eyes”.  Or whatever your song happens to be.  Hopefully, it’s something embarrassing like the love theme from “Titanic”.  Just be sure to wear a trenchcoat, and don’t worry about those pesky “siren sounds” coming from behind  you.  I’m sure she’s gonna love it.

Seriously though, there’s a crazy good deal on the link below with free shipping, so you might wanna get your ducks in a row PRONTO for next year.